I really don't know where to start, you see my life is full of major events--spiritual events-- two major car accidents--the death of two child--two ruined marriages-- prison-- a major drug overdose--life on the street twice--the near death of my second wife and youngest son--the events surrounding my father's death-- and other events and situations that ,that were cute,some funny and some serious.Each event or combination of events leads me to have to start over again usually with just two suitcases.Starting out anew has become second nature to me,as normal as breathing or eating or going to the washroom.I'm now 61 and I have been living at my current address for over 5 years, the longest I've ever lived in one place in my life.I've worked many different types of jobs-- building demolition-security--food serves-mining-hotel night audit-cab dispatching-i even tried bank robbing--within most of those jobs there were several different phases.Another set of major events happened around health issues, a badly broken leg, several broken noses.several concussions over( 10)(,4) knee surgeries, before both knee's were replaced, about with hep A,2 ulcers, nervous breakdown .the aforementioned drug overdose and even the events around my birth, about of something that was never explained, plus the usual sprains and strains,bumps and bruises colds and flues.Again these events were part and parcel of my starting over processes.So where oh where do I start? g good question!
--witnessing a suicide----
seeing two traffic accidents, with death involved---
my father's and mother's poor health
seeing a lesbian rape of my babysitter---
seeing a body that was in the water for 6 weeks
finding the body of my favor pet cat that had been shot --The move from COLLINGWOOD to FT, ERIE.
my older appearance that let me play with the big boys when I was too young to,
gray hair in early teens and the fact I stopped growing at 12


It was the Friday of Labor Day weekend. We were living just outside a resort town in north-central Ontario. My father was working in Toronto and only came home on weekends. I was allowed to go out to the roadside to meet his bus. The those days, used to pile the sand for the winter in places along the road. We lived long ways off the main road in a small subdivision.

I was playing near the top of the sand pile when a gray car pulled up and drove behind the sand. A man got out, looked around, went to his trunk, pulled a gun out and shot himself. I hurried down the sand pile and ran home. There were a group of neighbors standing around talking. I told them what I saw and they didn't believe me. I ran back to the sand pile to get some proof, but by the time I got there the police were there, so I went back home via a shortcut. Upon reaching my house Mom made me go up to my room, which I did protesting all the way. A short time later, Dad came up with a cop. The cop told me I hadn't seen anything.

I was always taught to respect my elders, teachers, pastors, police and to never tell a lie. Here was someone I was to respect, telling me to lie. I said "No. I saw what I saw [not in those words]" MY answer was quickly met by a quick backhand that sent me flying across the room. Dad then steps in between us and told the cop he would take care of it. The cop then left. Dad tried to tell me that sometimes grown-ups lie, to protect others. I wasn't buying it, so he said "if you don't tell anyone what you saw, that is not telling a lie. Many years later I found out the man I saw shoot himself was a banker. He was embezzling money from the bank and was about to be exposed. In those days, things like embezzling were covered up, to keep the customers faith in the bank. As a child, I couldn't understand why I was punished for telling the truth. It took me many years to understand that the cop was acting out of fear, because he knew I was right and he was wrong, and likely a guilty conscience. The officer lived in the same complex we did and the next day we were moved into town. Dad told me it was because there was no kindergarten out there, but even as a child, I realized that we had never talked about it and Mom had not been looking for a house. Within fifteen hours we had not only had a new house but the movers were packing us up and we were on our way.


The first one happened on my way home from a friend"s place; there was a very sharp corner where the highway turned into the city street. As I was walking home I heard a motorcycle breaking behind me. I turned just in time to see the biker hit the guard rail and go flying through a billboard. The impact decapitated him. Three months, later on, our way back from my uncle's funeral, I saw little sister run under the wheels of a heavy dump truck, I called a baby cutely.
We had just pulled up, across the street from our house, I and my two sisters, Grace, and Betty, were in the back seat of the car.I got out of the car on the street side and Grace got out on the sidewalk side of the car, she came around the back of the car and challenged me to a race across the road and away we went.I just got to the other curb,went i heard my mother scream" wait for your little sister",As I turned I saw the front of the truck pass by me,then I saw Betty run under the back wheels, the truck driver didn't know he had run over her, because of the weight he was carrying.the car behind him stopped and dad picked Betty up and took her to hospital, in the trailing car.Everyone told me it wasn't my fault.I was only seven, but I didn't buy that argument, I know, I didn't wait for traffic, I ran across the road without looking first, and every time I would try and run away from Betty she would follow me.This was the hardest piece of writing to date I'VE been holding on to this for over 50 some years I thank GOD for giving me the hindsight to remember all of this and the courage to go ahead and finish writing it down.Suppressing this kind of stuff is far more damaging, than facing it, now I can finally put it to rest!!


The Christmas after the death of Betty started out as the worse one but finished up as one of the best.We had moved off the main street to a residential area.Mom was in the hospital, with severe leg ulcers, dads health was going down a hill, he was in the early stages of emphysema.I knew Things were bad, but not how bad.BETTY'S death, had put a damper on the season, mom being in the hospital didn't help much, but our tree wasn't up yet, and it was Christmas eve.Dad was really down, more than I had seen before.Dad was, TRULY "the lord of the manor", what he said was law and we never dreamed of disobeying him.He sent me and Grace to bed at our usual time, and for the first time ever, I decided to stall, Dad was in the kitchen, by the sink, with is head down,I was sitting on the end of the couch by the stairs, just in case, if necessary, I could bolt upstairs.We remain this way for several minutes, finally, he turned around and saw me sitting there I quickly, ask him if mom was OK.A few seconds later he smiled and assured me she was alright, I quickly asked then what is wrong, He thought for a moment and told me there would be no Christmas that year.I stopped believing in Santa a couple of years before when I snuck out and hid behind the couch, to catch Santa and saw mom and dad putting the presents under the tree.I laughed and told him, as long as mom is alright, everything is alright.The weather that night was bad, a storm was coming off the lake, with heavy winds.when we were talking, I thought I heard something outside and told dad, He said it was just the wind, I had pushed my luck far enough that night so I wasn't going to argue.A few minutes later, he pointed his head towards the stairs, dad didn't talk twice, so I knew what he meant.On my way to the staircase, I took a short detour to the front door and opened it.there on the porch was three large boxes.It was all we could do to bring them into the house, that was how heavy they were.One was marked children, one adult, and one food. We had finally gotten them into the house, I looked at dad and he nodded ok.Dad and I spend the rest of the night putting up the tree, prepping Christmas dinner and putting things under the tree.A word was never spoken all night.That was my first all nighter and the first time dad and I had worked as a team.I was on my way upstairs, as my sister was coming down Christmas morning.I never found out who dropped the stuff off, many years later I asked my mother and her answer was"you'll find out someday".ON HER DEATH BED I ASKED HER AGAIN, SHE JUST SMILED AND ROLLED OVER AND FELL ASLEEP.So don't ever tell me "there is no Santa Claus."


The spring after"THE CHRISTMAS", we had moved across the street, mom was back in the hospital again and dad was working afternoons.My sister, Grace and I were with a babysitter, Sandy.I had a big crush on Sandy I would do anything for her.Help her supper, wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, just anything.One night, sandy said she wasn't feeling well and went to mom and room to lay down, Grace was outside playing so I went to my room to do homework.A short time later, I heard a lot of screaming coming from dad's room.I when out into the hall and saw several teenage girls attacking Sandy.the one girl had Sandy's torn blouse in her hand.I started down the hall towards the bedroom, when one of the girls saw me and they all came after me.I turned and ran through my bedroom, out the window onto the porch roof, one of the girls started out after me and I started hollering for help.A lot of my neighbors were outside and a few came over to find out what was wrong.The girls then took off through the house and out the back door.I heard one of the neighbors say that there was a girl laying on the ground, at the side of the house.It was Sandy, she had jumped out the window.and broken her ankle, trying to get away from her attackers For many years I blamed myself because I was too scared to help her, I saw always taught, to help someone in trouble regardless.I was told many times, I did the right thing because I was outnumbered and overmatched.I guess that experience molded my thinking from that day on.Many years later, I finally stopped blaming myself, but I still believe, that we are our brother's keeper and we have a responsibility to protect those who are smaller and weaker than us.I guess, because of having an incomplete maturity, I thought that mean at any cost.Sandy recovered from her injuries and was back the following summer.I heard, the other girls had gone away and we would never see them again.I was told this for my peace of mind, but I was happiest for Sandy, those girls would never try to hurt her, ever.


Mom had leg problems, for as long as I can remember, her problems eventually turned into large ulcers all over her legs.This remained with her until she died.Dad's health problems were as a result of war wounds, suffered in WWII.His injuries brought on emphysema, which he died of in 1985.I wasn't born until 1948, I was the oldest, so I was, called upon at a very young age to help around the house, the chore that I took on with great zeal.I feel, that is I got"a servant's heart", it was there from the time I was 6 or 7.When was healthy, she would do all she could, and I would do the rest.As I grew up and became more efficient, I took on more responsibility.The older I got, mom was spending more time in hospital and dad's health was getting worse.A lot of the kids I was hanging with, where from broken homes, do to alcoholism.My situation was the same, only different.We all had the same responsibilities, of looking after younger siblings and our parents, but their parents problems were self-inflicted, mine were because of uncontrollable things like health issues.As a young " man", who saw his childhood disappearing, it became harder to see the difference, the cause was different but the outcome was the same.I was angry, but also, confused about my anger, I was angry because my childhood had been stolen from me while I also knew my parents weren't at fault and I regretted my angry.The only thing left for me was to transfer my anger to GOD and, blame HIM.So I did.Many years later, as my knowledge of scriptures increased and my life experiences increased, I finally learned that GOD did have a reason, for what I went through.I had an insight into other people's problems, an insight that would allow me to understand, as well as help others through their difficulty.The attitude I expressed, about mothers and fathers with substance abuse problems was that of a young "man" who knew all the answers, but didn't know any of the questions, that was how I felt at that time in my life.My life experiences since have taught me better.


Dad was a watchman at the grain elevators in the harbor, I would go down to the boats waiting to be unloaded and run errands for the crew.It gave me some extra money and most of the sailors had adopted me sort of.I used to eat with them, watch t.v., etc.I reminded, the father's in the crew of their children, they left behind.They all treated me like their own son.Dad knew I was there, but didn't know how often or how long I would stay.
We lived in the fourth on our street, the first three houses belong to sea captains, from the Patterson Steamship Line, lake freighters, On July 1 st, all three ships were in port, so the captains and their wives went on cruises, on one of their yachts.They got caught in a sudden storm capsizing their boat and killing all six of them.Five of the bodies were recovered in the search, after the sinking.In mid-August, i was at the docks, on one of the boats, when dad came on board and told me to go home.On my way out of the galley, I heard dad ask some of the crew if they would help him if needed, a take a body out of a small boat that was coming in.The body had washed up on the shore of the lighthouse and the lighthouse attendant, had managed to get it in his motor boat and he was on his way in.Dad went on to say, he had called the police and they had requested him to try and get extra help if he could.The broken water leading to the elevators was made up of massive boulders, several tons apiece.because of this I was able to hide easily among them.I picked a spot overlooking the harbor, where I know the boat would have to pass close to the shore.I was totally unprepared for what I saw, the body was so badly bloated it took up most of the small boat.I thought i was going to see my friend the sea captain, for the last time.What I saw was a large mass that had no resemblance to a human being.This was another case of me, thinking I could handle anything, but finding out I was wrong.I knew the answer, but nobody had asked the question!!I saw the body every time I closed my eyes for years.


Tony was an "elevator cat" one of the great many who lived around the grain elevators feeding on the mice and rats that inhabited the elevators.Every time I would go up there I would bring Tony something to eat.Tony would follow me around where ever I went.One day I asked dads if I could take the cat home, for a pet, he said no because there was a danger of me being attacked if I tried to pick the cat up.One day late in the season, I knew one of the ships were due in, so I went to the docks, as usual, this time, the ship was on a short turn-around, as soon as they were unloaded they would head back to the Lakehead for another load before winter set in.I knew enough that when the crew was on loading, it was too dangerous for me to be on board.Everyone would be busy doing their jobs and I would be in the way.I went to find Tony to give him the treats I brought for him.On my way home I looked back and saw Tony following me and he followed me all the way home.I told dad that Tony followed me, so could I keep him.He said O, K, but, because Tony was an outdoor cat he won't stay around long.Well, Tony did.Where ever I went Tony would follow.I soon fell in love with him.One day in October, while I was in school, Tony disappeared.I was disappointed but knew this could happen some day.Two days later Tony came back.a short time later, I found out that indeed I had given Tony the wrong should have been, Toni, her litter was small, only two kittens and they both died, in a few days.I changed her name to Toni.During the biggest snow storm, I can ever remember Toni was caught outside and she hid under the porch for protection.I had to dig a tunnel in the snow to get her after we heard her cry.In mid-winter, Toni disappeared, for the last time.I held out hope that she would come back, but she never did.In the early spring, i was playing in the field beside our house and found her body, she had a bullet hole in her head, I cried secretly for days.I took her body back to my backyard and bury her, with a wooden mark her grave.Toni was a Heinz cat, made up of many different breeds, some might call her ugly, but to me, she was, just a little different but pretty, in her own way.To this very day, i have had no desire to own another cat.I let my wife and kids have cats, but I never warmed up to them myself.I guess it is true that you never forget your first love, even if it is a cat.


In the ten years since my birth we had lived in TORONTO, ACTON, GEORGETOWN,THORNBURY AND COLLINGWOOD AND FIVE DIFFERENT HOUSES in COLLINGWOOD.A lot of these moves I was too young to remember, I think, but I do have some vague memories of things that had happened somewhere, but I don't know where.I always had trouble making friends, but after three years at Simcoe Street School, With my athletic ability starting to emerge, I finally started to make friends.One day in April 1958 dad went to FT, ERIE for a visit, I thought, He had left on a Monday morning with a friend from church, who had recently moved there.The following Friday night mom got a phone call telling her to pack, the truck would be there late Saturday morning.We were moving again.The church in Ft.Erie was in need of dad's talents as a drummer and a fundraiser.They had found him a job as a stationery engineer, at the hospital, the hospital would give him the training to get is fourth class papers.It was the break dad was looking for, but it meant I would have to start the long process of making new friends, I was finally comfortable and now I would have to start over again.I knew it was necessary, but I didn't like it.To make matters worse, when we got to Ft, Erie, it was raining, cold and the dampness went right through me.I also fell getting out of the truck and landed in a mud puddle, being cold, wet and dirty, was my first impression of my new home.A feeling I still have to this day.
Moving so late in the school year, meant that I to learn a whole new system in school and it was impossible for me to catch up before the end of the school year, In Collingwood I was a solid C + student, but I dropped to an F student over the course of a weekend.I had to repeat grade five.I've never forgotten my love for Collingwood, nor my strong dislike for Ft.Erie.


Growing up so fast, meant, that my maturity was incomplete, I was beyond my years in certain areas, but short in others.If you are forced to grow up in a hurry, you don't have a good balance in all areas, You learn what is necessary for the task at hand .and become completely ignorant in other areas.Just like so many other times in my life, things were complicated, by other issues, this time, it was my physical grade seven I was 5 ft 9 in and weighed 170 lbs.I was one of the biggest fellows in my school.My desire to" father" some of the smaller and younger guys also lead me into situations, that were not my place to deal with.One such case involved a small Chinese boy who was being bullied the schoolyard bully.I saw this happening and tried everything I could to stop it peacefully, but my efforts only made things worse.One day I had to stay in at lunch time to finish some school work, as a result I came down late.Our school was set up so, that the boys and girls use to enter and exit from separate doors in the basement, that were separated by the boiler room.I reached the basement and found, the Chinese boy sitting there crying, I didn't have to be told what was happening, so I took my little friend, through the boiler room and out through the girls door.I made sure he got away safely, then went back to the boys entrance and left that way.The bully was hiding behind the door and thinking I was my little friend coming out, attacked, to his surprise it was me.The altercation was over very quickly.After lunch I learnt a lot about the bully mentality, He had reported the fight to the principle and I was called into the office where the bully was.The principle asked for my side of the story. I told him everything when asked if my side was accurate, the bully started to cry and said, that he had a right to pick on the smaller student, but I had no right defending him.With that, I was sent back to class and the bully was sent home.To this day, I can't understand how anyone can think that way.
My size along with the fact that I started to get a few gray hairs.allowed me to run with a much older crowd.My first real girlfriend was 16 and I was 13.When I was 15, I could easily pass for 18, the drinking age in Buffalo.I became a regular at the bar scene in Buffalo soon after my 15 the birthday.Deep down I knew I didn't belong there, so I felt I had to prove myself every night. Soon these actions gave me a reputation as a hard drinking, hard playing soul, who was the life of the party.I knew I wasn't all that, but a had to keep it up, to fit in, in my mind.My street education was advancing in leaps and bounds, but inside I knew I was just a scared kid, in well over my head.This lead me into minor scrapes with the law, but for some reason every time I was about to get in too deep something would happen, I would catch a break.I would usually put the breaks on and get out just before things would fall apart completely, avoiding the major troubles that the others who continued on got into.It seemed I would walk up to the line and stop just before going over it.In retrospect, I now believe that GOD was in my corner protecting me.

pt( 10) (a) car accidents*-

The first major accident took place in Buffalo NY. ,on Sept.18th 1968,at 11:45pm.I had just left INCO in Sudbury, where I was employed, has an underground miner, on my way to Chatham where I,d heard that there would be a major hiring at a major factory.I had a 7-week old son.I stopped in FT, Erie for a visit so that my family and my wife's family could see the baby.My birthday was on the 16th.A few of my old friends and my brother -in-law decided to take me to Buffalo to celebrate.We had done some bar hopping visiting a couple of our old haunts and ended up at Sam's. At Sam's, we met up with another old friend who informed the driver, that a girl, he had been trying to date for some time, was waiting to see him.The bar was at the other end of town.We left Sam's in a big hurry.Half way to the other bar. we ran into a speed trap.because of the high rate of speed we were traveling, we had no time to slow down. The driver then had to pass the slowing cars by going into the oncoming lane.when we reached the head of the line, the driver tried to cut back on his own side of the road.he then lost control.I was sitting directly in the drive, when I glanced at the speedometer it read 98 mph.after that things got confusing, very fast.The following is partly my memory, partly what was told me later and partly what I was able to piece together.We were tapped slightly by the lead car,as we tried to swing back into our own lane, slid sideways into the police cruiser,smashing the radar,attached to the back window of the cruiser,lunged forward into the first stopped car,a ford country squire station wagon,striking it on the drivers side rear,pushing everything into to the back seat,and rupturing the full gas tank,Causing a chain reaction that drove the wagon into the car in front,which in turn drove that car into the first stopped car . I was able to hear all of this, as I laY trapped in the back of our car.after the chain reaction we then careened back into oncoming traffic where we were broadsided by a priest in a caddy.I also learned that every car in the accident was a new model.The wagon had just been picked up at the dealers and had never seen its own driveway. I was lying on the back of the car when two little old ladies stuck their heads in the open back window when I saw them I asked:"if they thought this was a drive-in movie", insulted they left.Shortly after that the priest and one of the officers, tried to pull me out by the shoulders, because of the gas all over the road.My leg was mangled and caught in the springs of the back seat.I then shared few pleasantries, with both of them before passing out.A few days later I was able to trace my trip around the inside of the car by my bumps and bruises.I had a prefect imprint of the window crank just below my left shoulder on a my left arm,a knot on my fore head,matching up with a hair line fracture on the back of the skull of fellow sitting in the front seat,glass embedded in the top of my head from the broken interior light and,part of a broken tooth of the fellow in the back seat with me. in the top of my right shoulder and another perfect imprint of the window crank on my right arm.All of this traveling inside of the car was done with my leg caught in the springs of the back seat, which had been forced out on one of the impacts.My left leg was broken in six places below the knee.I believe in every situation, no matter how bad.there is some amusing things that happen, if you look for them.also things to be grateful for, this was no exception.I was certainly grateful that there was no explosion and fire with all the gasoline that came out of the wagon's gas tank! I saw humor, afterward in the expressions on the faces of the two old dears and my comments were quite good at that time and place.Three things happened in the emerge, that also fits into that category---one-- The emerge of the hospital I was taken to was one large room, with curtains around each bed.I was in the first bed.I had just got some of my sense back, when in walked a police captain.with more braid on his uniform than any army general I had seen pictures of.He bellowed out "where are my men".i could see him through the open curtain.I asked,"did we hit a cop car," he answered,"no two cops" I then passed out.--two--when I came to, the medical staff had just started to work on me, the nurse had just lifted part of my pant leg up and was about to cut my pants off me, when she saw I had come around again, she asked if it was OK.I thought for a second and said no, I had just purchased them a few hours earlier, her jaw dropped and a very confused look came over her face, I smiled and asked if she had ever heard that response before, the look on her face slowly changed and I told her a go ahead.The third event happened on the way back from x-ray, i asked the potter how badly the leg was broken,he gave me a hosp. answer,what makes you think it's broken,as i looked down at my foot at a 90 degree angle .to the right of my leg i answered oh if not then that explains why i keep walking around in circles. I quickly let him off the hook, by telling him i knew hosp policy and that he couldn't tell me.As i was leaving the emerge, for my room, someone asked my wife, who had come over to the hosp, by this time,if i was always this way or where my head injuries causing my reactions,she shock her head and told me to leave the staff alone.I looked back and smiled and saw an emerge staff shaking their heads and smiling.Some of the above details i remember,some where related to my wife on her daily visits for the three weeks i was in hosp.,some where put together from the other fellows and some came from my lawyer has a result of court papers from the lawsuit's The names of the fellows in the car were-Doug Hoover--Rick Sourwyne --Bill Preston--myself.Carl Swayze was the one we picked up at Sam's.Doug--Rick--and Bill,were in the front seat Carl was in the back seat with me.Doug,Bill and Rick all hit the windshield ,but were lucky enough to get their their arms up to protect their faces,Doug also had the hairline fracture in the back of the skull,when they pulled Doug out of the car, he was out ,the cop said "it looks like this has had it."Doug just then came to and had the few words to say.Unfortunately,a radio report pick up the fact one of us was dead.that report was heard by a family member,who pass it on,just before they were notified of the accident.The report only mentioned that there was a multiple car accident involving five young Canadians,and one had died,When the police notified our families,the only information they gave them was which hospital we had been taken to.nothing on our condition.On the way over the bridge,they were all wondering what they would find when they got there.It must have been terrible ride ,but with a very happy ending.Bill was sewn up and released--Rick likewise--Doug was sewn up and kept for observation for a day or two then released.Carl had a broken tooth and a sprained ankle,he went to work the next day.The other thing that happened that night was the officers arrested the wrong person and accused him of being the driver,when they tested him for blood alcohol he was under the limit,(i think we all were),when we hit the cruiser,we broke the radar,so they couldn't prove how fast we where going,so the only charge they could lay was illegal use of a double white line, a 50.00 dollar fine.I think i might have been the only one who know how fast we were going and i was never asked.The fine was leveed and paid before i knew what had happened. You see because of the head injuries,they couldn't operate on me for 72 hours,i had to lie,in bed for three days,with my leg in a splint and my backside full of pain killers.I was in never never land until late on the 21st of Sept in fact on the 22nd i asked my wife were she had been since the accident.i was told .in no uncertain terms right here, or home with the baby,the nurse bailed me out by telling her i was kept so dope up and with my head injuries i was lucky to remember their even was an accident.I spent three weeks in hospital, a few months in a wheel chair,several weeks on crouches and used a cane.
I was the only one married, it took me a year before I was able to go back to work.My second was son was born 377 days after the accident.So as you can see, even in tragedy.there is a lot of amusing-funny-interesting and even things to be very grateful for.Among these are, I could have been killed or left with permanent brain damage, I could have severed the main artery, losing my leg.broken my neck could have broken.Some one else could have been killed or permanently injured, No one from any of the other cars had to stay in the hospital over night.What treatment they needed was done at the seen.The two officers were only slightly injured, when they were knocked down, during the chain reaction, after the original impact.GOD was sure riding with us that night!

pt( 10) (b) car accidents aftermath*-

This story is not quite over yet, the second leg is still to come.THE AFTERMATH
The fact that the car belongs to my father -in-law,(Ross), was the basis for some major conflict between me and my in-laws.The fact I was concerned an outsider from the beginning didn't help much either.I had to sue Ross' insurance company, a fact Ross supported wholly heartily. He saw it as I was attacking the insurance company not him.It was the only way I could ever pay off the massive hospital and other medical costs.The rest the family all saw it has an attack on them directly and let us know in no uncertain terms.Lynda's oldest sister, Fern was the only one who was on our side.In fact so much so, that after Lynda and I got a divorce, Fern asked me to marry her.I said" no".I saw her in the hospital a short time before her death, her last words to me were,"don't I deserve happiness too."Forty-two years after the accident, I'M still,"considered an outcast, a traitor", by the rest of the family.

pt-11--the loss of two children*-

THE LOSE OF TWO CHILDREN-- My first born was a male that we named Carl, he was born at 2 am on CHRISTMAS morning and died at 2 pm CHRISTMAS afternoon 1966,12 hrs later.He was 12 oz.less than a lb. of butter, he could fit in the palm of your hand.when I saw him in the nursery, I was in awe of the fight he was putting up to live, I knew he didn't have a chance but that was not stopping him,he was a true warrior, in every sense of the word.As I watched him the doc came up behind me, put his arm around my shoulder and told me to go home and get some rest, I would need it to support my wife in the upcoming days and weeks.He knew how hard it was going to be on her, he knew how much she wanted this baby.He told me that they didn't know why he was born premature, there were no signs of any trouble.Sometimes this thing just happen, he suggested that we try again as soon as possible, He didn't see any reason why this should happen again.With that he shocks my hand, smiled and left.I followed his advice and went home to rest.Shortly after two, the call came, that I was expecting but was dreading.This was a triple tragedy for us, our first born, on Christmas day and the son we both want so badly.From the time we first started to get serious about each other, my wife would always say how much she wanted to have my son.To have a dream come so close and then lose it was a real heartbreaker in its self.She was so proud to be carrying my child!The next few months were pure hell, all the spontaneity on was gone out of your marriage, it was all let's try again, with deep depression once every month.At every doctors visit, we could take together, the doc would tell her to relax have fun and let nature take its course.It didn't help.Then one day in Oct.a friend of mine from work, who had been trying for eleven years to have a baby, informed everyone, that they were pregnant.He told the crew, that he knew exactly what day it happened, It was on the hottest day of the summer, he and his wife were outside doing yard work, they decided to quit early because of the heat. After their shower his wife says, let us have some fun.That was the day.When I told the wife this, things slowly started to get back to normal.As a result, in July 1968 our son, Vance was born.Sadly though this only solved two of her problems, Christmas was a rough time every year ever since, I would have to be strong enough to carry the whole family every year, not allowing time for me to mourn the loss of then in 2006 I was at a Christmas church serve and for no reason I could think of i just started to cry and couldn't stop,I cried for the entire serves.On my way home, I was searching for the answer, then it hit me that today was the 40th anniversary of Carl's death, when I realized this I got a feeling of great peace and joy. I had finally mourned for my dead child.

As I 've said before in the face of tragedy there is always something funny -amusing that can be found, this was no exception.Our landlord who lived downstairs, had invited my wife and I down to spend the evening with him and his wife.Lynda said she tired and wanted to rest, so reluctantly I went alone, Lynda told me that she could always pound on the floor if she needed any help, that was very near anyway.I got back about 12:30 and went to bed for about an hour, that which time I was awakened by a sharp elbow in the ribs.Lynda told me she was having sharp pains in her back and them where getting stronger and more often.I jump out of bed and asked why she hadn't told me sooner because they were labor pains, to which she said labor pains don't come in the back, I said they do now!! I told her to get ready and I would call a cab, just then she let out a yell.After I had called the cab, I told her a let me know when the next one hit.three minutes later along came the next one. I waited till 1:45 to recall the taxi company.when I got the dispatcher I said,"look, my wife, is coming to have a baby real soon and things don't wait."The next thing I heard was the phone drop and his door open but not close, he didn't hang the phone up or close the door.Very shortly he was at my door, the road to the hospital was full of potholes every time he would hit one would scream, then he would turn around to make sure she was OK.Finally, I told him to watch the road or we would trade places, so we don't run off the road, he never turned around again.On arriving at the hosp emerge I quickly jumped out ran in and told the nurse on duty, that my wife was in labor and the pains were now less than a minute apart.She hollered for help grab a stretcher and headed for the cab.While they were wheeling her in I grab our coats off the back seat of the cab stepped back glanced at the emerge entrance turned back only to find the cab gone, the driver didn't close his back door until he got to the street.Carl was born in the elevator on his way to the delivery room and got a free cab ride from the dispatcher.
The second child's death was a very bitter pill for me to swallow, this occurred in the summer of 72. I had told the doctor that my wife Lynda was pregnant, he didn't believe me, and he had the tests to prove.My wife was on three different meds all harmful to any unborn children. I fought and argued for three months with him to no avail.Finally, he agreed to one more test, it came back positive,but the damage was done, the ultrasound showed a badly deformed( child??) it was decided that baby was too badly deformed to have any chance of survival, If the pregnancy was allowed to continue it would result in a miss carriage or stillborn birth.We decided to have a D&C.For many years, i blamed the doctor, myself and GOD.The doctor for not listen to me, myself for not beaning able to convince him and GOD for letting all happen.


OVERDOSE-(-90) Tylenol 3's-(-60),--- 50 mil antidepressants-(-30-)-30 mil sleeping pills, washed them down with six bottles of beer.
I was in a coma from Fri at 1 pm to Tues at 2 pm, I woke up feeling like I had a good nights sleep, refreshed and sharp as a tack.NO SIDE EFFECTS WHAT SO EVER.Even in my angered state of mine, hating GOD, I had to admit I saw HIS hand in this.The more I learned about the events of those four days the more I had to admit that HE HAD SAVED ME, but why, I couldn't understand, that is when I first time I prayed,"LORD, please let me see me through YOUR eyes."IT WASN'T THE LAST!!The doctors told me, in their eyes I was gone twice.
Suicide attempt? I'm not sure, maybe.I'll leave that up to GOD to decide.I know I had slept three hours in the last seventy-two.I had worked a sixteen-hour shift, went and wrote a mature student exam, at Mohawk College, went home, grab three hours sleep, went in and started a forty hour shift.I had worked 118 hrs, from sat at 12:01 am until Fri at noon.By noon on Fri,.i didn't know where I was, my name or my address.The only thing I was told, by my wife, was that at one time when she came into ICU, I was flailing around so violently the nurses were afraid I would rip out all the IVS in my arm, it took them quite awhile and some bruises to get me restrained.The one nurse told my wife not to worry" because anyone in his condition that could fight that hard to live, was going to make it.Not even satan could stop him."I guess in some ways the strangest event told place Thur, afternoon, at my appointment with the (shrink)He asked me the first question,I didn't understand it so I hesitated,he got very angry ,and told me he was the doctor,then got up screaming ,that he was the doctor and started driving his fist into the top of his desk,his nurse rushed in, took him out, came back and told me to get out of her office, her hospital and never come back.So I did.

pt--13----my fathers death*-

Like most natural things in our lives, if anything can go wrong it will, it should have been routine, it wasn't.He died of emphysema, a disease he had for nineteen years.Ten months before he died, he called a family meeting, to tell us that all his doctors had told him that there was nothing more they could do for him.The lung specialist had said the damage had gone on too long and was too great to be healed The heart specialist said his heart was damaged beyond repair.The blood clot,said the same thing about all his major organs.After the meeting he and I went and made all the funeral arrangements, got his will made, etc.The Living Will was not in use at that time, but he told me, he didn't want to be revived when it was time.I nonchalantly, assured him not to worry, I'd make sure.H e chastising told me to make sure, I promised I would.That sure should have been a warning to me, I was in for trouble, but I figured I had three specialist and a family doctor on my side.WRONG-Ten months later, he was taken into hospital Wed, evening, by the time I was able to get away, it was Thur, afternoon.On my arrival at the hospital, MOM and the doc were talking in the hall, mom introduced me and said I would be taking over from then on, that everything would go through me, DAD and I had talk it over and it was his wish.I wanted to get everything out in the open from the get-go, so I told him it was DAD wish that there should be medical heroics when his time had come , it had come.The doc snarled at me and refused to shake my outstretched hand, oh-oh.Over the next few days, the tension between us mounted, he refused to talk to me at all, even though MOM kept telling him, I was following DAD'S wishes.Late sat, afternoon everything came to a head, DAD got a blood clot in his right thigh his leg was black and extremely swollen.The doc showed me his leg and informed me, he was going to get a surgeon and they were going to operate on DAD'S leg, I said no way.He then left.By this time DAD had a special duty nurse after the doc had left, she told me not to worry and that I should take a break, we talked for a few minutes and I started to leave.In the hallway I saw DAD'S doc, with a surgeon in tow, I waited until they got to me and told the surgeon.with body language and words, that he was not going to touch DAD, He then assured me, that he wouldn't operate without my permission, but he would like to check for himself.i then stepped out of his way.He was in the room less than a minute, came out and said there was nothing he could or would do.I didn't see DAD'S doc for the rest of the evening.Around 9 o'clock, the special duty nurse called for an I.V. nurse, to put DAD on a morphine drip and change DAD'S oxygen tube to a mask, when they started to work on him,suddenly he grabbed one of the nurse and started pounding on her , yelling", you are not going to put me on life support".I then drove on top of the nurse, reached down and yanked out from under me, taking a few shots from DAD until I could pin his arms down,then the I.V nurse leaned in and started assure DAD, that she was just giving him a morphine drip,the other nurse then jumped on my back and did the same thing.He finally got the message and settled down.DAD passed away at 11;45, the nurse had to get the doc to confirm it, he came in said yes and left.I asked for a few minutes alone, I left at 12:15 am Sunday.At the elevator the doc stopped me and told me,in his mind it was a suspicious death and he was going to order an autopsy I tried to walk away, but he wouldn't let me,finally, I turned and told him if he did, he'd better order two,just then the elevator door opened,has I tried to step in,he grabbed my shoulder and started to say nobody talks to me like that, while spinning me around, He never got a chance to finish, he ended up flat on his back, with a bruise starting to form on his cheek bone, and I had a sore right hand.There was one little twist of fate left, the hospital administrator at the hospital where dad died, was the same man that was DAD'S boss several years early when DAD was a hospital worker in FT, Erie, he was also the chair of a few charities, that DAD was, the head of the ways and means committee for.He had been at our home several times and I also knew him from the family function held at the hospital.The phone rang at 5:15 am on that Sunday morning at MOM'S house , it was the administrator, asking me if I would let the hospital handle the situation internally, man was I relieved, I was expecting to be charged with assault, instead I received an apology.In retrospect, GOD TO THE RESCUE AGAIN.


TWO BROKEN MARRIAGES #1--1966-1985--
In every marriage, there are ups and downs, when the downs become far greater than the ups, the party is over.At which time the blaming starts.In every he said she said situation, there are three truths, his, hers, and somewhere in between, the real truth.I'm going to try and find the real truth.
Lynda my first wife and I were married very young, she was eighteen, I was seventeen.My father had to get the license because I was too young.I had plenty of signs and warnings, that I was making a mistake, but didn't listen, I was a big boy and I knew what I was doing, so I thought!!the marriage was rocky from the get go.In retrospect I should have said, I don't.There were many many times I should have pulled the plug, my ego wouldn't let me.I had the arm candy I wanted and believed that with hard work I could overcome anything.The trouble with that was, the hard work has to come from both sides.The I has to be we!She was a hurt person and hurt people, hurt people.Did I love her, yes at first, but not enough, there was not enough love to carry the relation from the lust stage to the true love stage.I kept thinking I could change her, heal her, no one can unless the other person wants to change.The hate she had for males was so great, she later turned on her own boys.In our last fight, one of the things she said was,"it was my fault we didn't have any girls"I was in complete denial my head was in the sand, with a big target sticking up, and it was kicked over and over again.I was in just as bad shape as she was, I believed that I was so bad, that this was the best I could do.I didn't love me so how could anyone else.GOD hated me!and a few of HIS pastors told me so.Who was to blame,"the fool or the fool who followed her, I didn't find out the true depth of her bitterness, until after our separation
We had agreed to separate for seven weeks, until her birthday.The night before her birthday, she called me and asked for $60.00, to pay the back rent and that she would see me the next morning.I got into Hamilton around 9 am call her and told her I was on my way up. I arrived 20 min later to find, she had moved her boyfriend in the night before.I head into the tank and stayed there for the next five years.


I'm not writing this to blame anyone or to excuse my actions, just to recall the facts.
My father had just died.My wife and I had just decided to separate, for a while, to get things together, I had tried to go back to my old church, to get right with GOD.To deal with a problem I didn't have.You see, she was ready to put all the blame on me, and I was willing to take it. I was ready to keep on ignoring, or being in denial of what was ready going on in our farce I called a marriage.I was married she wasn't.In our last fight, she blame me for every I did wrong, everything she did wrong somehow was turned into my fault, and even some things at the time, I had no idea what she was talking about,[some years later I found out, they were faults she saw in her latest boyfriend.] We had agreed to get together on her birthday, seven weeks from the time we separated.The night before her birthday, she called me and told me she wanted to see me and to bring $60 dollars because she was behind on the rent.I thought that was a sign that we were getting back together.WRONG, she had moved her boyfriend in that night.When I got there, he was hiding in the bedroom, as we were talking I noticed a tool box on the floor in the living room beside the couch.I asked her about it and he came out of the bedroom.Keeping in character, she blames me, for coming.After that I was on the way down, holding on by a thread, within days, i was told I wasn't welcome at my church, game set and match.I moved in with a friend, his landlord told him, I wasn't supposed to be there and if I don't leave, he would throw both of us out.i was working at the time so I got a room in a flophouse.then I got into the bar seen and the drug was seen.I soon lost my job.My lifestyle went completely haywire, even the people I was running with hookers, dealers etc, thought I was too far out there for them.One Sunday morning in Jan.the police found me completely stoned walking down the street wearing only my jeans, I had no idea were the rest of my clothes were or where I had been, or for that matter who I was with I woke up at ST, JOES.Health Center,Sunday afternoon.I couldn't find out where I was picked up.That should have been enough, but it wasn't.I then made another mistake, I changed locally.The truth was my surroundings may have changed but my problems hadn't.I was the problem and I took me with me.My situation went from bad to worse, the only way out I could see, was to stop playing around with pretty hustling and go big time.I believed that if only I could get enough cash, all my troubles would be over,WRONG--so I decided to rob a bank or two when I hit bank number six, I got rescued, I wasn't arrested, I was rescued.There is a lifetime of events I omitted, mainly because from the mid 80's to the late 80's it is mostly a blur.I'm not sure what was real and was not.i was stoned for 4-5 years.I had done everything wrong.I had completely gone against everything I was taught to believe in.I turned my back on society, GOD and myself.I hated myself worse of all.In my mind, GOD had deserted me, if I wasn't good enough for HIM, there was no hope for me at all.I started out to prove I was a total failure and nearly succeeded.At my absolute lowest point, in prison, GOD started to show me, HIS love for me.HE watched over me in so many ways, HE literally saved my life on several occasions.Showing me, HIS .grace and mercy

pt 16(a)---prison*-

This is a part of my life that's, in some ways, is the most difficult for me to understand, but also the easiest.It's the part I learnt the most about myself, about, GOD and about other people.
MYSELF--I learned my strengths and my weakness.These revelations came to me, not by doing the right thing, but the wrong thing.I found out what not to do, which showed me, what to do.In a lot of people's minds that was wrong, but it worked for me.Would I recommend this to someone else, NEVER.Do I have remorse, yes.Am I into self-condemnation, NO.Remorse leads to repentance, which means( to turn away from).Self-condemnation leads to self-unforgiveness, which leads to a need for self-punishment, self-punishment leads to a destructive lifestyle.This manifests itself in two ways.One you turn on yourself, which leads to drug addiction, alcoholism and bad relationships.Two, you turn on the world and others, leading to more crime, more victims and the need for more punishment,(the cycle continues.)This revelation didn't come to me overnight, but the process started in prison.I also found out about fear and how it works from both sides, getting people to fear you and being afraid.Fear is the most destructive force in the world, it kills very slowly, with no obvious outward physical signs at first. It kills the heart, the mind and the soul and puts up a wall between you and GOD.It is more debilitating than any illness or disease.The problem with fear is that it not destroys the people who are afraid that also the ones that try impose it on others.In sports, there are the ones, who try to use" trash talk" as an intimidation factor, they think they are trying to bring down their opponent, but, in reality, they are trying to bring themselves up to his level.The "trash talker is the one that's afraid!!This was something that was revealed to me very clearly in the prison environment where fear is the order of the day.You quickly learn, that the one who goes around with no shirt on showing off a well-developed body, talking tough is the one you don't have to worry about, the fellow you have to watch for is the one sitting in the corner minding his own business, the quiet one! You see he knows he's good(, tough), and he feels he doesn't have to prove anything to anybody.When I decided to go into a life of crime, I had given up on me because I believed I was a complete failure and that I didn't belong in a world I couldn't compete in,I was a failure in school,I couldn't find a career path that suited me,I had just come out of a bad marriage,it seemed to me I could do nothing right,I was a complete failure in the world,so I looking for some place I could fit.("STOP THE WORLD AND LET ME OFF")so why not prison.I soon learned, I didn't fit there either.I did learn about fear, I found a way to survive, in that environment, which showed me, I had the skills to survive anywhere!!I didn't know, HOW OR WHY, but it was working.If I could make it there I could make it anywhere
GOD--It took me several more years to discover the role GOD played in all of this, I know it was significant, but didn't understand the(" whys and wherefores") of it.How could GOD love a loser like me?Why would GOD protect someone as bad as I was?If I didn't love myself, how could HE?Those answers came over the next twenty years, in a nutshell, in GOD'S eyes I was none of those things, I was creation of GOD and GOD being the ultimate good couldn't create something evil,therefore" I was of value"I was a good person who had screwed up big time"This revelation was one of the major events, that answered a long time player," LORD let me see me through YOUR eyes"In retrospect, GOD was in my corner from day one.My fist cell mate was an oriental fellow, who for the first seventy hours lay in his cot, with his blanket over his head chanting in his native tongue, at lunch hour on the third day, he stood up on his cot and started yelling the chant at the top of his lungs.Several guards rushed in and subdued him, followed by a nurse with a needle.The last place you want to be is in an 8-10 cell filled with 2 cots a toilet, an out of control inmate and 7 or 8 unhappy guards all over 6 ft and 250 lbs,there is absolutely nowhere to go.the next month was filled with one strange event after another, even for me in my non-believing frame of mind.After lunch one of the guards came to me and asked if I was alright, I answered him nonchalantly, sure, why not.the expression on his face was one I saw often over the next four weeks, complete disbelieve!!Minutes after the young man in the next cell started talking to me and they let us out after clean up, he came out and we sat at the lunch table talking to me,I noticed this got the attentions of the security staff,I had no idea why I later discovered the young man was suffering from extreme paranoid,he was a regular visitor there, very couple of months he would think someone was out to get him and attack an innocent party landing him back on an assault charge.I never felt threatened or uneasy around in any way.I seemed to have a calming effect on him, without my knowledge.The next incident occurred the very next morning, a young fellow named Tony, came to me and asked if he could talk, again this conversation got attention, from the staff.Tony started to tell my his story about 5 or 6 lines into to it I told him, to fire his lawyer, this shocked me.Over the next hour or so it took him to explain his situation, I kept looking for an opening to tell him I was wrong, he wouldn't listen.You see tony was facing(a governor-general warrant), this is right out of old British law,(AT THE QUEEN'S OR KING'S LEISURE), which here means natural life in a prison medical facility.Tony wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw, but he was charged with something that was out and self-defense, plus he was also protecting a third bystander.For the next two weeks, I followed him around like a lost puppy trying to change his mind, no way.On his court day I was more nervous than on mine, I was a complete nervous wreck, when he didn't show up by supper time ,i asked why ,the guard told me, that Tony asked the judge at the outset of his hearing if he could fire his lawyer, the judge said yes, he then asked if he makes a statement, the judge agreed, after his statement, the throw the case out and heavily chastise both the lawyer and crown.I was more shocked than anybody.That night I was approached, and asked, if I wanted to be moved from that range, which would have dropped my security rating down, again I surprised myself by turning it down.After the incident with my cell mate and with the young man talking to me they gave me a range cleaners job, this gave me a little freedom and a few perks.Ten days after Tony's release I was trying to get a card game going, my usual partner was sleeping, when I went to wake him up his cell mate asked if he could be my partner.Another major surprise, Berry, my card partner cell mate was a real puzzle to everyone most of the time he was walking around in a complete daze, with the odd Laurent day.being the range cleaner, I was always the last one locked down and the first one let out in the morning.As I was on my way to my cell I saw him sitting with his face in his hands, when I got up in the morning he was in the same position.I did learn that Barty was an ex-British marine(special forces), he had cracked during the Falklands war, and he and his mother were now living in Toronto.The following account is the most bazaar thing I've ever heard of or seen.The first hand was dealt, I was watching Barry try and pick up something in his body language, that would give me an idea of what cards he was holding, all I saw was confusion, that don't surprise me too much, my hand was a complete mess.Barry then said,"George, can I ask a question"?Our opponents didn't mind, so I said yes.I didn't realize he knew my name.The question got everyone's attention, mine, our opponents, and the guards, who were standing in earshot, several more than usual.Barry said,"if you have killed someone, would you know it."my answer was yes,Barry seemed to come out of his dazed condition and for the first time,I was his smile,the smile was one of discovery, of acknowledgement, of peace, like he had just solved a major mystery.As the game proceed I never took my eyes off of his.I was still slightly interested in reading him, for the game sake but I was far more interested in what was coming next.The was to ten, we were tied at 9 each the cards that were dealt, would be the last hand As I looked into his eyes, I saw the most indescribable twisted face I've seen, then a cloud?appeared over his eyes.Barry then started to confess to one of the most horrific murders I had ever heard of, plus the most unusual set of actions, as he confessed the cloud started to move off his face, by the time he had finished the cloud was gone,he got up shock his head smiled and went back to his cell and went to sleep.The last hand was never finished.As I was cleaning up, the staff came to me and told me I was being transferred and downgraded the next day.I said " OK" The rest of my sentence, was filled with many adventures, none quite as dramatic as the above, but still in their own way interesting.Like the day was transferred from THE DON to KINGSTON.There is a hard and fast rule about male inmates being alone with a female guard.On my down in the elevator I was surprised to find my escort a was a female guard and there was just the two of us,she was the toughest guard there,when you ask her, her name she said"the bull dyke" ,she hated men period,us as well as her fellow male guards.You can imagine my shock w hen she used her key to shutting the-the door and didn't put it in the floor lock.She told me that I was the only person she had ever hated to see leaving in this manner, she also said that if we had met fifteen years early that she would not be the way she was, the bull dyke.SHE then quickly jumped back into character and told me if I ever told anyone, she would break me in two.She could have.I had some positive effect, On everybody inmates and guards alike, to this day, I still don't understand what or how I did it.The only explanation I have is GOD.

pt 16( b)--prison*-

Sentencing--There was four of us on the range awaiting sentencing, with bank robbery charges.One had seven counts--I had six--one had five and the last one had four.Two went to court on Mon.and came back with 120 months, the other one went on Tues and he came back with the same 120 months, Wed. was my day, I slept like a baby, Tues night, thinking I would end up with the same, but GOD had other plans, when the judge gave me 42 months I was speechless, in shock.
My last few weeks IN THE DON, there were several chapter presidents of, The Outlaw biker gang.on my range, because of my position as range cleaner I was able to get my hands on a lot of goods that were given to you in the detention centers,but you have to buy in the federal system.i was able to pass along to one of the fellows on his way to Joyceville,a lot of these goods.A fact that turned out to be a true live saver for me.The day I was transferred to Joyceville--(the ville), corrects Canada, tried to slip 150 protective custody(p.c.), inmates into the general population (POP.) because I didn't follow the normal path, no one knew me.that made me a target, because everybody, would think I was one of the p.c. inmates.I was checking out, yard when someone came up to me and told me I was wanted in the ice cream shop .when I got there-there was a banner , with a welcome home sign on it and my newspaper clipping was on the bulletin board, everyone then thought I was connected to the club.this provided me with the protection of the everyone knows, GOD would never use a biker gang to protect somebody ---RIGHT---SURE
JOYCEVILLE-This is how my stay started I'm not only a bank robber but also a biker gang member, for a brief period of time.One day a while later, I was asked to go and see the joint club president, he told me they had a major problem, that they were under investigation, around some illegal prison activity, and if kept seeing them I would be tagged as being a member of organized crime,but it was my choice, if I left it would be on good terms and I could call upon them at any time if I was in trouble.My way out.GOD will provide.The rest of my stay was highlighted by a series of events, some serious, some dangerous, some funny.and some just out of this world.The one that covers most of these areas happened in the kitchen, my workplace.I was sort of in charge of the veg. prep room, sort of because there is a law that states no inmate shall be in charge over another. My authority came from my fellow workers because I was giving orders, only suggestion and I would pass along my knowledge to anyone who wanted, which made the work easier, quicker and the kitchen stewards happier increasing the size of our little perks.On this day we were doing up a turnip, I used to flatten off the bottom, cut it in half, slice it into thin slices, all with a french knife, then with a paring knife peel the rind off.I kept the paring knife in my back pocket.i was show a new load how it was done, not watching what I was doing, my thumb on the hand on the back of the blade got caught under the blade nearly severing the top of my thumb.i brought this to the attention of the staff.They called the in-house hospital, I then was taken around all the security devices straight up to the infirmary.It took a long time for the medical staff to finally get the bleeding stopped, after which they wanted to stay far a while under observation because of the heavy blood loss.around the time the kitchen was about to close, I got a phone call.,extremely rare.the head Steward asked me if I forgot something, then it hit me, I still had the knife in my back pocket The most serious nonviolent crime inside.not only that I had gotten through three checkpoints, without being patted down.If discovered a lot of heads would roll and I was looking at another five years.I was assured, that no one thought I did this on purpose and that there was a way out.i had to refuse observation time and request an escort back to the kitchen.I did and a lot of doors I didn't know existed just opened and I was able to get back to the kitchen with very little fanfare.GOD not only had my back that day but everybody else.all it would have taken was one out of many not to turn a blind an blind eye, to prisoner walking in a restricted area.The rest of my stay was filled with many ups and downs, too many to recount here, these events earned me the nickname,(the luckiest man alive").The morning of my release I actually slept in.I finally made my way to the property room, because I was late, the area was filled with one of the ranges getting their monthly supply of oral hygiene produces, in a room next to the property room.After I exchanged my prison issue for my street clothes, I head for the admin building and freedom.The long hallway to the inside yard opened up into an open area that used to be a guard post, just after I reached this area someone or something hit me hard in the right kidney with enough force to turn my body ninety degrees, at this point i saw a vision.The vision was that of a room about four foot high filled with dense black smoke,i8n this smoke were many walking skeletons, their spines were curved in the shape of a cee.i was half in this room and half out, the part of me burning that was in the room could smell burning flesh.The part of me that was on the outside, felt the sun on my face, a light breeze in my hair and a smell of a spring morning.This was the strangest feeling I have ever experienced.I also had an overwhelming feeling of death.I knew if i completed the turn,to find out what or who had hit me i would die.I turned the other way and left the building,as i went into the inside yard,the sun was shining,there were a slight breeze and the smell of a spring morning was in the air, it was a typical May 30 th day.


OTHER PEOPLE--I'VE gotten basically three different reactions from people, when they find out about my record.--1--FEAR--This usually is manifested in a couple of ways, the most prevalent is simply by walking away or ignoring me and leaving as soon as they can, or by asking me to leave.The other way is insulting me, calling me names and saying something like (, you don't belong to decent folk).They believe once always.
--2- Is(",OK so what"),that was then,this is now
--3--Is--hero worship(,wow you robbed, how many banks"?),"wow I'm actually talking to a real live bank robber"),"you must be the man,with the most guts I've ever met",and in some cases",i wish I had the nerve to do that" or'" that must be the most exciting, adventurous,lifestyle,there is."?YEA ,SURE--always looking over your shoulder, every time you see a cop wondering if he is looking for you, ducking down at every time you hear a siren, avoiding people because you are afraid of letting something slip.REAL EXCITING!!IT WAS NOT MY IDEA OF FUN.
The most interesting thing I have found is that the entire crime spree, from start to finish only lasted less than five years,12% of my life and regardless what I had done before or will do after, I'll always be known as a bank robber.a criminal.a certain section of the population will always fear me, will always look down upon me.that is the true price I'll have to pay.


This chapter is filled with many lighter moments and, therefore, is more fun to write.My granddaughter was in kindergarten when J, I. was born.She proudly told her classmates that her uncle was in the hospital being born.her mates didn't believe her, in fact, they started to call her a liar.The teasing got so bad she refused to go to school.My wife, daughter-in -law and her teacher, came up with a plan, my wife would take J.I. in for show and tell.This worked like a charm.On the way home, Kacey was followed by every little girl in her class, even the ones she didn't hang around with.Kacey had gone from zero to hero in one brief moment.All the little girls wanted to come in and play with after we had made a safe place for all the kids, we let them go to it J.I.was in seventh heaven, he had all the attention that any baby could want.On our visits up there, has soon we were spotted coming down the street we were always mobbed by several little ones. wanting to play with him
The looks and comments we got were precious.among them, In the laundry mat, were no wonder we can't find men, the young chicks are stealing them all, to overheard in a mall.that can't be his, he's over forty, he can't do anything.One time going into hospital emerge, oh dear, you'll have to wait outside until your father gets undressed.The one I love the best came from my son, you can get married ,but you can't have any kids.J.I. was a blessing to many people before he could talk, he was primarily responsible for saving my wife's life, the team leader of his medical team, proudly called him, her little miracle. It is hard for them, when they lose a baby they thought they could save, but saving a baby they were sure, they would lose is a true blessing for them.
I have a friend who was a wrestler, he also played Santa in a large mall in Hamilton, until he had to quit because of severing nerve damage from many head injuries, he had a nerve disorder that would cause his arm to jerk violently back.Ted never had kids of his own and he love them.He was heart broken when he was forced to give up being Santa.We saw him on his scooter one, in the park, so I took J.I. over to meet him, The joy on his face for me soon turn a deep sadness, Ted and I figured out a way for sit on his knee safely,i told Ted to lift his arm back as far as he could,I then put the baby on his knee and crouched down at his side as low as i could get and still have control of J.I.J.I.had never seen a full white beard before and he was totally fascinated by it.He also had never seen a man that big before. .J.I. soon rested his head on Ted's arm still playing gently with his beard.You would have thought I had given Ted a million dollars when it was time for J.I. to come off Ted's knee, he didn't want to.As soon as the baby was safely in my arms, Ted sped away so I wouldn't see him crying.Yes, J.I.had blessed many people, in a very short time, I miss him a lot but I know he is in the best hands he could be in[ GOD'S]. I wouldn't change that for many things!!

pt 18------near death of my wife and son*-

Nadine, my second wife, she was exactly twenty years my junior.We were married for eleven years, when she finally got pregnant during that period of time nine children were born to our family members and friends.As each baby came along she would get more desperate.Our turn finally came, in the summer of 2002, at which time we also discovered why it took so long.She had a mass in her womb, that had grown to 3.8 kilos, one of her ovaries was in the middle of the mass.We did not find out that she was pregnant until she was seventeens weeks along.At seventeen weeks, Nadine had an ultrasound, that revealed the baby and a large mass in her womb.On the way home from the doctor's visit, I decided to take a detour and tell my #2 son all the news.A few blocks from my son's place there was a small plaza with a No Frills and a Zellers.To my way of thinking shopping is a four letter word and it is not love.Nadine told me that we needed something for supper and she wanted to go shopping, my cue to find somewhere to sit and wait for her.There were a couple of benches at the end of the Zellers store between Zellers and No Frills.I sat there bent over with my head in my hands,wondering if I was strong enough to support her, when I suddenly felt someone staring right through me.i just turned my head and looked at a man with a haunting smile on his face, my first thought was that he was trying to pick me up.I sat up and told him my wife was pregnant and, that was as far as I got.He stopped me and said "remember Abraham and Sarah, GOD wouldn't give you such a valuable gift, if HE was not going to help you look after it.The baby will be just fine."The fear then left me, we went home and against the doctors wish named the baby Joshua Issac.The doctor had warned against naming the baby or buying ant baby stuff.Over the next three weeks, we had several doctor's visits, she had four ultrasounds and an MRI.These tests revealed that baby was being pushed out, she was dilated 2 cm and the sac was protruding out.The mass had to be removed and it was at twenty weeks.The operation was a complete success when they checked the mass, they found cancerous cells in it, that hadn't taken root yet.The little man had already been responsible for saving his mother's life and he hadn't seen the light of day.We got a pretty good idea of how much trouble baby was in when they moved her into maternity after surgery, they told us that in there, there were enough nurses so she could be watched more closely.the next morning she was moved to the surgical ward, when we got there the ward was empty except for one other lady and there were two nurses on duty.A couple of days later, we were told she could go home, but had had complete bed rest.I was having a few health problems and wasn't working, this allowed me time to look after her.Our first night home the attack on us started and continued from there until I left and she went back to her mother's house.They were in the form of banging on the windows of our street level apartment in the early morning hours, every time I would leave people would come knocking on our door, forcing her to answer it.I caught one of the fellows one day and told him, his actions were in dangering the life of my wife and son, he laughed, shrugged his shoulders and left.the attacks then increased, to almost double.The attacks were done by slow learners and developmentally handicapped.I was also told that they were told, I was a bad person and GOD had given them permission, to do whatever they wished.The attacks plus the worry about the baby's health drove her blood pressure to200/110, At 35 weeks the doctors decided that they needed to take the baby via, c section.The attacks continued after the baby came home for eleven months until we finally broke up.


Nadine, my second wife was 20 years my junior.The warning signs were there again from the start.Her mother was on the warpath from the day one.We kept our relation from her for a year, when she found out about us I was told she called the police and told them an old ex-con was molesting her young daughter.The desk sergeant asked how old her daughter was when she said twenty, the officer told her that, her daughter would have to make the complaint herself.For the eleven years we were together, my mother-in-law did everything she could to make my life difficult, in this case, the hurt person was the mother-in-law, Helen, She was very very bitter.Her husband was an alcoholic before he died Helen told him to make a choice between her and the booze, so he left her.To matters worse, a few months later he got off the alcohol but didn't come back.Helen then decided to file for divorce, coming from a very strong catholic family, her parents disowned her, when they heard about her intent to get divorced.During the divorce proceeding her husband died.She hated men in general, her only male friend was an openly gay man from her office.The day Nadine told her she was pregnant, Helen's answer was, unprintable, for mixed company, it started with, you stupid--and went on from there.I kept waiting for Nadine to step up and look after her relation, but she never did, and anytime I took a stand she would always side with her mother.In retrospect, I should have, left sooner.To add to our troubles my past caught up with me.One of my old enemies, who I still do not know, decided to get back at me, by trying to take her and the baby out.HER PREGNANCY WAS A VERY DIFFICULT ONE, for medical reasons as well as the attacks on our home.On thanksgiving Monday,2003, it was over.


After my second marriage broke up,i went into a short tail spin.This time however i was able to see where i was heading,in time to head it off.I spent about a year,just moving around flopping here and there,some of the places i stayed where less than desirable.If i didn't leave on my own,something would happen to give me a nudge.In 2003 a year to the day, of my marriage breakup.I found myself at a Toronto shelter,that Oct.was a cold wet month.I was on a waiting list to have my right knee replaced.My immediate future looked bleak.I was looking at spending the winter on the street,with a knee completely shot.My first night there,there was a fight over drugs and someone said the cops where on their way.I went into my bunk and prayed.GOD answered me ,by saying" i'm going to heal you".The next morning, the fellow on the top bunk told me that he volunteered at a drop in center,and he needed help in the library,he went on to say that the shelter had a housing worker and in my condition i would be put on the emergency list.In a matter of 8hrs.,my looked changed,from dire to sweet.Over the next few days i started to realize,that i was on a journey,with GOD driving the car.On my way from the shelter to the drop-in i passed a place that had wooden angels around the door.This peaked my interest,so i stopped in one day and found out it was a mission.In a few months i was there all the time,helping setup and attending church again.The mission had a connection with T.A.C.F.and we were all invited to all the conferences,free of charge.At one of the conferences i took a large hit from THE HOLY SPIRIT.The lie i had believed since i was a small boy was exposed,"THE HOLY SPIRIT ,WAS FOR TODAY,not just for the hereafter.I started to understand a lot of the things that kept happening to me.I wasn't losing my mind,GOD indeed was in the house.In mid summer 2006, i was sent to newlife church,were there was more emphesis put on scripture,and less on the manifestations of THE SPIRIT.In Jan. 2007 i decided to stay full time at Newlife .my journey was over for the time being.I don't know if this will be my last stop or not,that is entirely up to GOD,HE brought me here, HE'll have to move me on.

foot prints in the sand

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

life in Toronto housing -

this is a tale that no one who has never been here, couldn't understand or believe
life here can be fun if you outlook is that of an optimist, and you don't take it too seriously.
if you do it will destroy you.
this is satan's playground,"ladies of the evening", drug dealers, addicts,ex-mental patients, bootleggers, police informers, who are dirtier than the ones they inform on, pedophiles,
and a lot of people who are trapped here because of health issues, old age, single mothers etc, who are just fighting to survive[not live but survive]
housing moved security out of the building, to save money, vandalism skyrocketed, false fire alarms increased over a hundred foaled[at 250.dollars a shot?save money,[yea sure]there are a few people like myself, whom have lived in far worse places, and know this is only a temporary stop in my that will end when I finish what I came here to do.I also understand the dynamics of fear, from both sides, having lived in fear and at certain times in my life have caused fear in others,sometimes just because of my presence and other times because I couldn't be intimidated by [schoolyard bullies], who believe that have the right attack women, single mothers, children and little old ladies.[real heroes and tough guys!!]only a very sick person would think this way, so I guess I should feel sorry for them,[it's hard to do]
I also know that satan will destroy his own and GOD WILL PROTECT HIS OWN."THEY ARE ON THE EVE OF DESTRUCTION"

the day i loved the lord -

there was a man a man you see, who gave his life for you and me
this man who died at calvary, he died to save the world from sin


GOD'S LOVE (you'll have what you need,when you need it-

Over the past 5-6 weeks, I've had health issues, it takes the form of a sore throat, loss of my voice headache, draining ears, ear aches, chills,sweats, generalized aches and pains, good days and bad, a lack of energy and general fatigue.It's more frustrating than anything.this is the bad news.
Now for the good news---GOD'S LOVE!!It's easy to say, if GOD LOVED ME, this would not be happening to me, but it is.I know this is minor, in comparison to the suffering of is also minor, in the light of other things I've gone through in the past,[WITH GOD'S HELP!!] I consider myself very fortunate to know[ THE LOVE OF GOD] THIS GIFT--is something that everyone can have,it's free for the asking,satan tells me," GOD has forsaken you ,your all alone, just trust me and I'll get you through,life is not with living".he has told me so many lies, that he can't remember them all.This the fun part, watching GOD turn those lies around for HIS GLORY.When I hear them, it reminds me how many times GOD has helped me out, I'm never alone, that GOD is always there, HE will pull me through,[at no charge], and how much I want to hang around just to see what HE will do next.the truth is" I'll have what I need when I need it"just like so many times in the past.
GOD has removed the fear of the past.HE has shown me HIS love, grace and mercy, HE has also shown me, through, BIBLE stories, people I've seen, people I know and personal experiences, HIS LOVE.One day, when this is behind me, the what's, why and wherefores may be answered or not but that's OK.Knowing what my final destination is, any bump in the road is well with the trip.
. The most amazing thing is the fact that GOD'S LOVE is available to anyone who asks,HE has done many things for many people, for many years, from the beginning of creation until now and forever,some like me,who have taken their own paths and defined HIM and others whom have given their entire life for HIS service.THIS WHY I LOVE HIM SO, BECAUSE "HE FIRST LOVED ME AND HE HAS NEVER GIVEN UP ON ME, AS WELL HAS HIS PROMISE---" YOU'LL HAVE WHAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU NEED IT"
GOD BLESS--give GOD'S love to your entire family--don't forget to keep some for yourself


A number of years ago god showed me,all the things he had in store for me.i could not accept it, because I did not believe HE could still love me.after all I had denied HIM, I had cursed HIM, I had rejected HIM, I had gone my own way, I had accepted every lie, satan had told me.I had done many things a prove that GOD had abandon me.During this time, He had looked after me in so many ways.i was know as the luckiest fellow still alive.i knew in my heart, that it was not true, God was keeping me safe.These events took several years before I finally decided that, maybe God did love me.but along came another lie,it was [if God hadn't spent so much time protecting me, I could have done many wonderful things for THE KINGDOM, the time he spent in looking after me, HE could have been training me.] This meant I failed again, not worthy to be a part of HIS KINGDOM.
One day, when someone came to me, asking for my help told them, that the answer to their problem was prayer.Prayer, what a wonderful idea, I wish I thought about that earlier.The very next thought I had was the words of a song--"-IT IS NO SECRET WHAT GOD CAN DO, WHAT HE.S DONE FOR OTHERS HE'LL DO FOR YOU, WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN HE'LL PARDON YOU IT

FEAR PT[ 2]*-

When fear has control GOD IS THE ONLY ANSWER. HE is only who can break the cycle of fear.Without GOD, we are at satan's mercy, at the mercy of someone who has no mercy, the ultimate TROUBLE.Satan is on death row, with nothing to lose, he knows there is no hope for him, he has nothing more to lose.HE HAS LOST IT ALL.The most dangerous, being is someone with nothing to lose.GOD IS THE ONLY ONE, with the power to stop him and him, know it.That,s the bad news--now for the good
GOD, GOD IS THE ONLY ANSWER, HE defeated satan at THE CROSS, the bruised heel, crushed the head of the snake"I don't know why, GOD allows satan to roam free today, but HE DOES.One explanation may be, HE wants us to make up our own minds, FREEDOM OF CHOICE, HE wants us to choose HIM freely.JOB tells us that, if GOD gave us everything, we would follow HIM, because HE bought our love with things, riches of this world.GOD WANTS US TO FOLLOW HIM BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM, NOT BECAUSE HE CAN GIVE US WORLDLY WEALTH.HE WANTS US TO LOVE HIM ON FAITH OF HEAVENLY BLESSING.Faith is the opposite of fear, perfect love casts out fear--perfect love is, loving on faith, loving because we know a better day is coming.even though we can't see what wonders HE has in store for us in the hereafter.This maybe THE ANSWER TO WHY GOD ALLOWS, SATAN TO ROAM FREE TODAY.
The only answer to fear is faith, faith that GOD will see us through the rough waters.We have to believe that GOD has our best interest at heart when things seem to be at their roughest.One of the problems we face in the first world today is that we believe.we have a right to all the best things in life now.We think that HIS blessing should be for today, the best housing.the clothing, the food, our lives should be the best money can buy.When we see illness, poverty, strife in our lives we believe GOD has forsaken us, we get angry at GOD and lose our faith.we turn against GOD WHEN THE ROAD GETS TOUGH, when we should be praising him for giving us trials, to improve our faith thus bring us closer to him.We believe our heaven should be here and now.not in the hereafter.If you look at Africa there are many places were, RAISING THE DEAD is common, why not here.FAITH--people walk for days, braving many hardships, just to worship together, why not here no wonder GOD is working greatly there.
We are a society, which is dominated by fear because we don't have the faith to believe that GOD HAS OUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART BECAUSE HE GIVES US A FEW MINOR TRIALS.This is why, this will be the best we ever have, while in the third world, it is the worse they will ever have.The only way we can change this is to praise GOD and thank HIM w hen the road gets a little bumpy.for troubles here are very minor compared to those of the rest of the worlds.----GOD BLESS.

FEAR PT[1]*-

FEAR-- is your worse enemy and your best friend all rolled into one package.
Without fear, our lives would be very short and filled with injuries and sickness.Fear is what keeps us alive, it is a warning sign we use to protect ourselves from injury and sickness IE:{We are afraid to put our hand into an open flame because it will burn us and cause great pain, and serious injury.We are afraid to get food poisoning, so we wrap food up and store it properly, discarding it when it has sat too long}, these are examples of fear working for us to protect is.
With too much fear, our lives would seem to last forever, each day would feel like a million years.We would be paralyzed, stuck in our homes too afraid to leave, or worse in one room.We would be too afraid to live and too afraid to die.IE:{a few years ago in a major American city, in a downtown apartment a family suffocated to death. They were so afraid of the street crime that they had nailed all the windows shut., in their street level unit.That year the outside temperature was well over 100 degrees for an extended period of time.]This is an example of fear destroying us.
Another side of fear is racial intolerance.Mankind fears what he doesn't understand.This leads to an unnatural desire to transform anyone who is different or destroys them.Some extreme examples of this are the cases of ethnic cleansing all too common in the world today IE: eastern Europe, Africa middle east,911 etc.All of these cases are examples of uncontrolled fear and the desire of mankind to change or destroy what we don't understand, Hitler's fear of the Jews lead to the best-known case of mass murder in history.A reported six million people dead because they worshipped differently, FEAR IS THE UGLIEST THING ALIVE TODAY, THE ABSOLUTE WORST, it destroys without mercy anything it touches, both the ones who are afraid and the ones, who are feared. I've pointed out a few of the worse cases,but I believe everyone has their own story of how fear has had a negative effect on their lives or someone they know, The father in north central USA who shot and killed his young daughter, who was playing peek-a-boo, when he came home from work.The father who believed that he had to carry a gun for protection his family, because of fear he killed his own child.I could go on for several more pages, but I think you get the point--FEAR DESTROYS LIVES.
THE BIBLE tells us that the entire Jewish nation was kept out of THE PROMISED LAND for forty years because of fear.There were many believers in the early church who were martyred because the established churches were afraid they would lose their hold on the people.The new church was different and misunderstood, SO IT HAD TO BE DESTROYED.
I'm fond was saying " I love to see GOD TURNING EVIL INTO GOOD', but this is one case where satan turns the tables on GOD.GOD gave us fear for our protection, but satan turned it into his most deadly weapon WITH OUR HELP.
some of the other ways that fear can be used to cause pain is in relations.Too many times, we get into a relation because of fear of being alone.We jump at the first offer we get just to have someone in our lives, that is certainly a relation built on a foundation of sand.The first time the road gets a bit rough there is nothing there to carry you through it .i believe the worse case of fear is when people trapped are in an abusive relation, through fear.The fear of being alone.Deep down they know, they should get out, but can't.This leads to them fall into a state of self-hate when you don't love yourself you can't love anyone or anything else, not even GOD.This completes the trap, for the only way out is GOD and you are cut off from HIM.


"Once upon a time-"-is what the world may say, is a story that started in a stable two thousand years ago.This story has been told in many ways, by many different people.The ones who believe need no explanation, the ones who don't, no explanation will do.This story is about a man who was born in a humble way, from humble folks, in a humble place, a stable.This baby grows up to be the most important man who ever lived.He came to earth to save the world from itself.A world filled with lawlessness, hate, the lust of the eyes, the lust of the heart, lust of the flesh, many people died, were put into slavery or had their lives completely destroyed, because of greed.Greed for power, money, land, and control of other people's minds.The most difficult thing to do is to save people from themselves.Their ego and pride prevent them from seeing where they're lives are going, They get angry and fight back, some even resort to murder to get their own way. This is what happened to this man, he was sent to the cross to die a horrible death.A death that will be remembered as long as the human race exists.
The death of this man was ordained before time began.How do I know that this story is true because I've seen the results many times?A baby who wandered out of the house in minus forty degree temperature wearing only a diaper.This little girl was found several hours later by her mother, who took her to the hospital and survived.A man in Africa, who was declared dead in hospital, was taken to a church service and prayed for, came back to live.A man in Ohio who fell off a roof on Friday afternoon was taken to the hospital,x-rayed and was told his leg was broken.The emergency room staff put a cast on his leg and told him to go home until Monday because the surgeon had left for the weekend.Instead of taking him home, his family took him to church.The church had a small apartment at the back that used to be the pastor's home.The pastor organized prayer teams to come in and pray around the clock until Monday.On Monday morning, when he was taken back to the hospital, the doctor remove the cast.there was no bruising and no swelling.the doctor order another x-ray, the break was completely healed.The man walked out of the hospital and went back to work.All the doctor could do was to shake his head, he had no explanation.There are many stories like this,people missing a plane that crashed in flight A man missing a bus, because the driver didn't stop up the line for a coffee, like he normally would, because of missing the bus, the man missed an armed robbery in which, the robber and the man knew each other.Heaven only knows what would have happened if the two men would have met during the robbery.Finally, there was a 6 yr.boy who ran out of a church service in northern Ontario during the winter, without any over clothes on, in the middle of a snowstorm.The young boy has no memory of the next 3 hrs.3 hrs later the boy found himself walking down the street, a block away from home warm and dry.He then panicked and ran home.the young lad settled down very quickly and soon feel asleep wondering what had just happened.Many years later as a grown man he finally realized that GOD had looked after him that night, WHY he still doesn't know.These are only a few of the reasons I know the story of the birth and death of a man 2 thousand years ago is true.The man was THE SON OF GOD, who was born, died, and risen again to save us from ourselves and others.HE WAS THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, who came to earth as a man to save me and you.The most important reason I know is because THE BIBLE tells me so!!!A lot of people will never get to know the truth of that story until it is too late.A lot of people will take the" once upon a time" story to the grave with them, believing it is just a fairy tale, until JUDGEMENT DAY.IT WILL BE TOO LATE FOR THEM THEN.DON'T BE ONE OF THEM.GOD LOVES YOU, AND HE WAS BORN, LIVED, DIED AND Rose FOR YOU AND ME.


I have loved—I have been loved
I have hated—I have been hated
I have enjoyed—I have been enjoyed
I have cursed—I have been cursed
I have embraced satan—I have cursed God
but when I was at my lowest point!
I looked up and saw a hand,
when I reached up for it, God smiled and nodded his head
now when satan tells me I am no good,
I look up and see, God with a smile and a nod
when satan tells me he has my family,
I look up and see God, with a smile and a nod
when satan calls me traitor,
I look up and see God, with a smile and a nod
when satan tried to destroy my wife and son,
I looked and saw God, with a smile and a nod
when I asked God,how much he loves me,
he reached out his arms and died for me—thank you God
I do not know what tomorrow will bring,
I do not know what the future has in store for me,
but I do know when I look up,


i was there on that fateful day,along time ago
i was carrying a heavy burden,a life time of woe
as i looked up,i asked a man:"who is he,that man on the tree?"
he scoffed and said,"why ,that's THE MAN FROM GALILEE
"what's he done,to die in such an awful way"
he teaches,that every man can pray,to have is sins washed away
the priest and rabbi are afraid,that their power and influence would be lost
if the common man's sin could be forgiven without paying THEIR cost

now I know, that on that day,a long time ago
my burden was lifted,that life time of woe
that burden was lifted,at the base of a tree
by a hanging MAN FROM GALILEE
now when I'm asked i will say
my sins were given and washed away
my soul can never be lost
because JESUS paid my cost

THAT DAY-----------PT 2--

jesus paid the cost that day,by the bruises on his heel
no one will ever know all the pain he had to feel
but as the scriptures say,that's what it would take
to crush the head of that nasty snake
the king of kings came to earth,to save a soul like me
he knew he had to die that day upon that tree


A few weeks after a near confrontation I was asked by my would-be opponent--who are you?==what are you?
Two questions at the time I didn't know the answer to.I have since learned the answer to both questions.I am a child of GOD.As a child of GOD, I have certain rights and rights are, I have an open door to the HOLY SPIRIT at any time anywhere, the right to asked for HIS favor whenever I feel I need it, the right to pray for someone else, with a reasonable expectation that the prayer will be answered.I also have the right to expect to comfort in times of sadness, the right to healing when I'm sick or hurt, the right to the love of THE FATHER anytime.My obligations are to love my fellow man, to love GOD, to forgive those who have wronged me and to do the will of GOD at all times. This is a very small price to pay for all GOD has in store for me here, now and later, as a member of HIS KINGDOM.GOD'S love is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow it never changes.I guess this is the answer to both questions.
The other questions I get a lot of is,"who do you think you are?" what do you think you're doing here?why don't you just go home?---the answer to these questions is a very simple one--I'm a child of GOD I'm here doing GOD'S work.It's not up to me to make that call, it's up to GOD when he calls me home, I'll be the first one on the bus, with a smile and praising GOD my greatest joy is knowing that one day I'll have a place in THE KINGDOM OF GOD.It maybe is a seat in the very last pew just inside the door, but I'll be there!!!! This I know because THE BIBLE tells me so.Scriptures tell us that there is no force that can separate us from THE LOVE OF GOD, satan can do all the bellowing he wants it won't change a thing," I'M HIS AND HE IS MINE"[GOD'S].I don't know when I'll see GOD, that's up to HIM, but that will be the happiest day I've ever or will ever have." satan is like a toothless lion, roaming the countryside to devouring, whom he can '.This could be anyone who takes their eyes off of GOD,-who starts to believe they don't need GOD'S love, understanding, guidance, help, and support.The ones who think they don't need anyone,{famous last words,"I've got everything under control}, that is the kiss of death!!!What that really means is, baby things are about to go into the gutter, man are you ever in trouble!!You have just given satan a large beachhead on your shore.LOOKOUT HERE IT COMES!!This is something we all do from time to time, getting back to GOD isn't easy, the longer we believe, we are capable of living without GOD, the more satan believes WE are his.He doesn't like to lose, he will fight with everything in his power to keep you captive.The only thing that can save is GOD.HE is not beyond testing your faith, but as THE BIBLE tells us{HE will not give you more than you can handle and he who endures to the end shall be saved.}For those of us, who have been out a long time the road back is long and hard, but not impossible.When GOD forgave PETER, he had to tell JESUS three times that he loved HIM, for the three times PETER DENIED HIM.Having said this I know that whatever I have to face HE will along side me through it all."The FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND" poem says it best-{"I was carrying you my son"}this is who I am, and what I am. This is also, who I think I am.It is what I'm doing here, waiting on GOD to heal me, which is a work in progress, as for why don't I go home, I will some day!!, The day GOD calls me because I'm A CHILD OF GOD.---GOD BLESS --AMEN


My first wife--when things finally fell apart she blamed me entirely.When I started to get back on my feet, I went to her to ask for forgiveness, she said no.So I went to each of the boys and made my peace with them, everything was settled I thought.When she heard, from the boys about our talk she told them both I was a con artist and not to believe me.When I started dating 6 yrs later, she found out who I was dating, went to her and told her all about me, in her opinion.Some truth, some half truth, some out and out lies, even though she had been in a relationship within days of our breakup.I was honest with my second wife and told her everything, she was very quickly able to discern what was what.When I finally got married for the second time, I used both of the boys as best men, my ex-showed up at the fitting for the tuxes.She then turned the boys against each other, to cause a fight between them, in an attempt to cause as much trouble as she could to disrupt the wedding.That failed so she got my youngest son to call me and tell me if I git married he would not let me see the grand kids.She also told my youngest son, that he wasn't mine.He believed it until his oldest one was 6 yrs old.0ne day we had him and his family over for dinner, we were going though some family photos,Ashely picked one out and asked her dad, when they had a recliner chair,she swore up and down that the picture was of him holding a football,it was me at her dads age,we looked identical.He then realized his mother had lied to him.Over the years, the boys have told me, on several occasions, that their mother was the one with the problem, not me.She believes that all of her problems are someone Else's fault, she put all the blame on me.I added to this by taking all the responsibility.In my attempt to ,[bury the old man] and forgive I've had a struggle when the other person won't except my apology, I've come to long ways, but reading PS 109 and the explanation, I've been able to understand,that my responsibility ended when i made an attempt to make things right.Ivor would push my button's until i stuck back,then he would blame me for all his troubles and attack my walk.
The other case,was someone from my past,I'm not sure who,thinks i wronged them i some way,i know not how .Tried to get back at me by using slow learners and developed handicap people,to attack my wife,when he was with child,these attacks nearly lead to both of their deaths.The only thing that saved them was GOD and the doctors at ,Mac U,hospital.WITH A C-SESSION at 32 week.She was told to stay on complete bed rest for 20 weeks,every time i left the apartment some would come to the door, to make her get up,with some lame excuse.People bang on our windows would at all hours of the night to keep her from getting rest,These attacks and her concern for our unborn child lead to her blood pressure to go up to 200/110,that's when the doctors decided to go in and perform the c-section I caught one of the attackers one night and told him if the baby or my wife dies,I'll treat like the double murder,he laughed and struggled his shoulders, as if to say" who cares"When i tried to straight it out, the message i got back was tough" it's too late"I've also receive messages that this is my fault,it's pay back for whatever.The difference is this time is I WILL NO LONGER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for the actions of others and PS109,tells me i don't have to any more.I've had a history of taking responsibility for things that were not my problem,to try and make things easier for others.Like i was the one who had to "save"them
i believe that this is some of what GOD meant,when he said,"I'm going to heal you"

remorse--self condemnation-self forgiveness--

In today's society, we hear a lot about remorse.In almost every court case we hear about on the news the word remorse comes up--he showed no remorse or he showed a lot of remorse.What do they really mean?True remorse is repentance, repentance means to turn away from, not to repeat a certain course if action again.Is that really what the victims or their family really want to see?It would be a perfect world if that were the case.What they really want to see is self -condemnation, without the understanding of what that means.They want the one who committed the crime to suffer, to regret what they did for the rest of their lives, to relive their actions every day, to never have another peaceful day as long as they live.The only problem with this is, that the victims don't realize is what self-condemnation leads to.Another victim!!What they will get, is someone who feels they have a need a be punished over and over again.As a result, the person, who committed a minor crime will re-offend, again and again, each time escalating their offenses, leading to more victims, in order to increase their punishment.This is a never ending cycle.It leads it leads to a self-fulling prophecy, I'm no good, I'm not worthy to be in society, see.
That's why THE BIBLE says,"there is no condemnation in CHRIST".This not only applies to the breaking of man's law but also GOD'S law.Far too many times we commit one sin, get full of self-condemnation and go out to prove we need to be punished, so we commit another and another, all the time trying to get what we feel we deserve--PUNISHMENT.We create situations, for ourselves, that we feel will give us what we deserve, but it never will, we just start the cycle over again.Each time we fall deeper and deeper into the trap.The only way out is through GOD'S forgiveness and for us to forgive ourselves, the longer we go down this path the harder it is to break out.
I've witnessed a few cases, were it lead to a complete breakdown,The first one was in Niagara, when I was in my early twenties.i was in hospital,when my roommate started to talk strange, he told me that he had too many things and I could have all his possessions if I could get them out of his house that day.He then stripped off all his clothes and went out into the hall, I never saw him again.The next one was I was inside, a young man, who was my cell mate, started chanting one day, covered up in bed and stayed there for some time.Finally, the chanting became screaming and he was jumping up and down on the bed, nude.The guards rushed in and took him out on a stretcher.These are only two of the cases I've seen.Cases where self-condemnation leads to a death of sorts, I've also had too many friends commit suicide outright, another kind of death.Far too many people are committing suicide, on the installment plan, one drink, one drug, or one more victim at a time, they have a death wish, like Ivor who was striking out hoping someone would strike back, someone finally did.


.Several months later i had a very vivid dream,that left me in great fear.The dream was of me in a hospital room,maybe ICU, waking up with two nurses standing beside my bed,my leg was in a heavy cast and i had a head injury.The two nurse where as follows,one black,one white,both heavy set,one was wearing a blue uniform,the other a pink.This dream bothered me so much,i started to become too cautious at work and suffered a leg injury,after i was ready to go off of light duty,i was so shaken-up,i quit.I heard that a factory in Chatham was going to be hiring shortly,I left Sudbury and stopped in FT.Erie,for a vacation,before heading to Chatham,while i was in FT.Erie a few of my old friends and i went Buffalo to celebrate my birth.During that night we were involved in a major car accident,that left me requiring surgery,when i woke up in recovery,there where the two nurse from my dream and all the equipment that i thought would be in an ICU.Instead of running away from trouble i let fear drive me into it.Another event occurred several years later,we had a house fire and i ended up in hospital with a never explained ailment,Lynda had found us a new apartment,I asked to be let out so i could supervise on of the sites,when i walked in to the new apartment,i got a instant chill and had a flash of me leaving with a suit case wearing a yellow shell.i didn't own a yellow shell,but the feelings were so strong they were hard to ignore.One year later i was standing was standing at the door wearing a yellow shell with a suitcase in my hand,as i touched the door handle on my way out,i had a quick flash back,to a dream of a year before.
The strangest dream was strange, not only in content.but also format.It occurred over a five night period,A serial dream?? NIGHT 1-PART 1--I found myself in an old Victorian Manor,The ground floor, had all the inside walls removed.The only furnishings was a large bed in one corner.the rest of the room was filled with cats and unattended babies.The babies were walking around with dirty diapers hanging off some of them and some had no diapers at all.The room was littered with discarded dirty diapers and cat droppings.MY first wife was there,she looked just like she did the first day i saw her,with every hair in place and wearing the same outfit.I said "lets go "She gave the waitress smile and said"no",so i left.End of night one.
NIGHT TWO-PART TWO--It started as I walked out of the door into the street.The street was filled with old houses, that appeared to be alive and growing into each other, like plants that were planted too close to each other.The street was filled with naked young girls asking for sex and some of the kids were climbing up and down the walls of the crumbling houses.The streets were so crowded,there was no room to move without bumping into someone.I was so busy pushing the kids away from me, that I backed into the only adult that was there, he was an openly gay male.He turned and pulled a Bowie knife from his belt, I put up my hands and apologized.He then spin and throw the knife hitting one of the kids, climbing on a the back, shouting,"i told you to stay off my buildings".I then walked away.End of night two.
NIGHT THREE--PART THREE--It started as I was walking away, the entire area became pitch black.I was tired and started to look for a place to sleep.I found a door and opened it, the room I enter was also pitch black, every step I took I trip over a mat with someone sleeping on it.someone hollowed,"what do you think you're doing here".I said,"looking for a place to sleep."I was answered by someone telling me to get out, that I don't belong there.I left.End of night three.
NIGHT FOUR--PART FOUR--It started as i left the dark house and came back into the street.This time the street was empty.I noticed a light off in the distance ,so i went toward it.I came into a very large dome like building .that was empty except for a large bed off to one side.I looked around and could see,what looked like several empty tiers around the inside of the doom.I was still tired so i crawled into the bed.I was trying to get comfortable,when i realized i wasn't lone,there was a slim young lady lying in the front of the bed.We had just started to talk .when a security guard appeared on one of the tiers screaming,"they are in bed together".Within seconds the dome was cramped full of people.She pulled back the covers,revealing that she was fully dressed,got out of bed,the throng then parted,watching her as she left.I noticed a wheel chair ramp beside my side of the bed,so i jumped out of bed and followed it.End of night four.
NIGHT FIVE--- PART FIVE--As i walked down the ramp i came to a loading dock,jump down to a parking lot and walked towards another Victorian type house.By this time it is starting to get dark again,but not as dark as before.I entered the house by the back door,this door lead into a summer kitchen.Just inside the door leading outside was a door going upstairs.darkness had fallen by now,but i could still see enough to see the steps.I started upstairs,as i stepped on the first step ,i heard a very loud creak.fearing i would wake anybody asleep in the house,i tried to walk as softly as i could.It wasn't until i tried to take the third step ,that i realized i was floating.I floated up the stairs until i got to a bend at the top of the stairs where i stopped and looked around.I saw a hall way running the length of the upstairs,another hall way running the width,that lead into a third hallway running the length of the other side of the house.I floated across the top of the house to the far side hall way.I then saw a room with an open door,in this room there was a dresser with my favorite blanket on it and the only light i had seen on in the house.I stopped and hovered looking into the room.End of night five and the dream.
I have absolutely no idea what this dream was all about, too much pizza before bed, five nights in a row?? MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.A warning??A VISION OF HELL?? A message, from GOD, telling me I'm not as bad as I think I am??Just another set of question, with no answers.The format tells me, it is something I should remember, but why?????
They say you dream every night, maybe then a few nightmares, these are the only dreams I could remember.Some some of these were forecasts of up coming events.What the rest where I have no idea!!THIS last one has haunted me for many years.I HOPE THAT SOME DAY I'LL DISCOVER IT'S MEANING.


[These events are in no particular order, as I remember them down.] This is one of most difficult things to write, as to what to omit and what to put in.I'm not totally sure what came from where and why.For most of my life, I believed a lie,["the HOLY SPIRIT "was a spirit, therefore HE is not of this world, but the next.] This didn't stop the events mentioned below from happening.Some are so ["out there"], t.hat they are hard for me to excepted them.I was also told, and believed, that GOD wouldn't do these things, period! and if HE did, not for me! I wasn't worthy.That belief, or disbelief, could have lead to my confusion.I looked upon these events as curses, not blessings.I went so far as to curse GOD because I thought he had cursed me and I didn't know why.THE SPIRITUAL MANIFESTATIONS CAME IN MANY DIFFERENT FORMS.Dreams, visions knowledge of upcoming events, words from my own mouth that don't come from my brain, strange happening, that I can't explain, involving just me and sometimes, other people.I believe, I f there wasn't so many events I would have chalked it all up to co -incidents.After awhile, there was just too much to be dispelled as co-incidents.
THE first little miracle happened at birth.I was born on a Thur. afternoon, Fri. morning the doctor took me to my mother and told her to take me home because I wasn't going to last the weekend.I had a"rare unexplained blood disorder and pneumonia" mother called the doctor, for instructions, she was told to keep me home because I wouldn't make it through the winter.
A little more than four years later, the second Sunday. in Jan., the next event occurred.It actually started roughly 6 to 8 weeks earlier, Every time the altar call came, at church I would get butterflies in my stomach, the first couple of times I went up, with little or no results, over the next few weeks the butterflies increased into a complete panic.The Sunday.between Christmas and New Years, I started to duck out to the washroom, as soon as the altar call was given, believing that everyone was praying with their eyes shut and no one would see me.["wrong"]!The weather on that Sunday. night cold windy and snowing heavily. The altar calls came, as usual, and I made mt way to the washroom.I had just sat down and pulled out my hockey cards, to read the stats on the back.when in walked the pastor's wife.My fear turned to panic as I charged past her into the night.I was wearing only a t-shirt, tie, slacks and leather shoes.The last thing I remember was slipping and falling on the slippery road.Three hours later, I found myself walking towards my h home, stopping and looking into the window of a sporting goods store.I was checking out the hockey equipment when I noticed the clock, it was eleven fifteen.The panic overcame me again and I charged home.In those days we didn't have a phone and there was no such thing as a cell phone.We lived in a three-story walk up and our downstairs neighbor had a phone.Dad had come home with my two younger sisters and was manning the phone downstairs.Mom had stayed at the church manning the phone there.I was in such a state, that I could open the door to the apartment ,I sensed someone was behind me, on the stairs ,I turned and throw a punch h before I realized it was a bad.He then took a step back, telling me it was OK.He then left me on the top of the stair sand went to call mom and tell her everything was alright.The panic in me subsided enough for me to open the door and go running toward my bedroom, the door was ajar so I just dropped my shoulder and charged into it .fling it open.the door than bounced back slamming with enough force to recoil coming to rest about the same place it was when I hit it.I then pulled out my toy box and hid behind it.I don't know how long I was there ,but after I started to calm down I got up and got ready for bed.The bedroom door was ajar enough for me to let see into the living room.I sat on the bed thinking about how much trouble I was in. Adding up all my offenses.Yes, i was in for it.I sat waiting for mom to get home,when she did,she put her hand out,as to ask for dad's belt,he said "no,he's is in his room and everything is alright,let it go".I think this confused me as much,if not more than any event of the evening.Mom and dad were always on the same page when it came to us kids,it seemed sometimes they could read each others minds ,what one said the would back to the hilt,even if they weren't together when one spoke.Later my confusion was increased,when i realized i had fallen asleep very shortly after mom had come home.The events of that night have left me with many unanswered question to this very day.
The next part is a series of identical events that took place over a thirty-six year period.They involve the pregnancies of my wives. Roughly three and a half months after our wedding I informed my wife Lynda, that she was pregnant and told her to go for a test.Our doctor was reluctant .but agreed.He was more than a little surprised when the results came back positive, at that time I told him she was going to have a boy.The pregnancy proceeds with no apparent problems, until DEC.24th.I woke up that morning with a feeling a sense of danger, I asked Lynda several times if she was OK.She assured me everything was just fine, so I shrugged it off,t hinking I was overreacting.Late in the afternoon, our downstairs neighbor, a sked us to spend the evening with him and his wife, Lynda said she was tired and wanted to get so rest.I came back a little after midnight and when to bed.She woke me up and told me she was having pains in her back.****I knew then the baby would not survive.I also knew that the feeling had earlier was true.In Oct.1967, I again told her she was pregnant.We had moved when she was pregnant with the first baby, so the doctor wasn't the same doc, whom I told that Lynda with a child.He was more then ready to test Lynda because he knew how much losing our first one had effected Lynda.He thought that he was going ease her apprehension, about being pregnant.This time, I had a good feeling and told him our son will be OK, and he was.Our third child was born without incident, again I told her she was pregnant with a boy.The fourth one was a war from day one, we had moved again and I had to break in a new doc.He fought me from the get go.He told Lynda, that I wasn't a doctor, so could I know.To make matters worse, Lynda answered no to some of the usual questions.A month after she went in again, this time, he agreed to run the test, it came back negative.The following month I went in with her and had a few harsh words with the doc.He agreed to run the test but suggested if I didn't trust him it might be better if we found a new doc.Number three was the charm, but it was too late.Lynda was on three different meds, that all caused major birth defects, by themselves, the little didn't stand a chance.Our fears were realized at the first ultrasound, the little man was so badly deformed you could hardly tell it was a human baby.The doctor was surprised that things had gone on for so long, usually, the women's body rejects the baby and a miscarriage occurs.we all decided that a D and C was in order.I knew as soon as, the doc refused the first time to test Lynda, that the little one was doomed.The fifth pregnancy was with my second wife, this was a major headache from the beginning.
We had tried for eleven with no luck.The year before we had both been tested, my results came back OK., Nadine tests showed the problem was in her.In her doctors words," the fish are just fine, the net is faulty".Nadine was carrying a few extra pounds and she was told that a roll of fat was blocking tubes.the only way she could conceive was to lose weight.She tried but was unsuccessful.In early 2002, We were in Hamilton, with a doc.that had gotten to know me well, Nadine was scheduled for her yearly check-up, the night before I just said, have him give you a pregnancy test.Ed our G.P. said, OK. when the results came back positive, he was very surprised.His boys were the same age as my two older ones.Our four boys played together on a soccer team when they were much younger, We were soccer dads together.Late the same night, that he called us with the news, I felt there was something wrong, I called him the next morning and Nadine had an ultrasound that afternoon.The ultrasound Tech, called our G.P.while we were in the lab, we had an appointment as soon as we could get to his office.We than found out that she was 17 weeks along and "the "roll of fat" was indeed a mass of roughly 8--10 lbs.We left the doc's office and took a detour to Lance's place,to tell him in person.There was a small plaza a block from Lance's house with Zellers and No Frills in it,We stopped and Nadine went in to pick up something for supper,as usual i took a seat on a bench between the two stores.I sat down, bent over with my head in my hands,wondering if i had enough strength,to support her when we lost the baby.I then felt a strange sensation,like someone was staring right through me,i turned my head,without sitting up and saw{ a man? } setting beside me with a strange smile on his face.I sat up,thinking he was trying to pick me up,and told him" my wife was pregnant and"--he stopped at this point and said "remember Abraham and Sarah,GOD wouldn't have given you such a precious gift unless HE was going to help you look after it.The baby will be fine."Our G.P. had told us not to name the baby or buy any baby stuff,but when we got home ,i know that ISAAC had to be in his name,and we sat down and named him JOSHUA ISAAC.Three weeks later the mass had to be removed.J.I.was beaning pushed out ,Nadine was dilated 2 cm. and the sack was
protruding out.The mass removed at twenty weeks,at thirty- five weeks ,when Nadine's B.P.reached 200/ 110 a c-sections was performed.J.I. was born, a strong and healthy baby boy.
The next incident happen underground ,i had suffered an ankle injury and was on short term light duty.I had to go to work and punch-in,after that no one cared what you did,so i took full advantage of this and party big time,going into work drunk every day and sleeping it off in the locker room,One day the shift boss came to me and told me that he needed me down below to guard a blast.I put on my gear and went with the rest of my shift,because every possible entrance to a blast has to be guarded they put me at the furthermost ,most remote travelway they could.[a travelway is a tunnel 4ft by 4ft that is made when they backfill a mine out section].At the end of the travelway there was a ladder going into the blast area.At the top of there ladder there was a door that covered the manway into the blast area.I put the door down,sat on the cover,took off my battery and fell asleep,with the limited space,if anyone wanted to get down the ladder,they would have to wake me up.Some time had pasted ,when i was wakened by a bright light in my eyes,seconds later,when my eyes readjust to the dark,no one was there,but i heard voices in the distance.I quickly got all my safety equipment back on.a few minutes later i saw two lights at that other end of the was the mine superintendent and the safety captain ,doing a surprise inspection of that area.I spent the rest of that day in complete bewilderment trying to figure out what had happened and why.At the end of the shift,in the lunchroom i was sitting next to one of the old -timers and he asked me what was wrong,i didn't answer him because of fear of being laughed at.He then told me of a legend,of a spirit of a young miner who was killer in an underground accident in the mid twenty's and his body could not be recovered,this spirit was supposed to roam the miner looking after young miners and warning them of danger.The penalty for sleeping on guard duty is immediate dismal.I still believed that THE HOLY SPIRIT,was not for today,witch left me more confused.
.I recalled some of the events that occurred in prison in the chapter entitled PRISON ,but not all.I guess the most dangerous one ,went as follows--A young man came to me asking for advice on how to handle someone with his range.i told him just to stay away from him.HE panicked and spread the word around that i had called the other fellow N.G.,that is the worse thing you can call anybody inside.It means he is either an informant or in on a child related charge,both are death sentences.The other fellow was a Jamaican and he went to his bro's and told them my motives were racially motivated,now i have every black i8n the prison gunning for me.Just to add a little spice to the mix,there was a race riot in another prison a few years earlier and most of the main characters had been transferred to other facilities,but over the years had all been transferred to Joyceville where i was.The whites were just looking for a chance to even some old scores.THEY JUMPED ON THIS CHANCE IN A HURRY,some wanted to take me out and blame the BRO'S others wanted to set me up to take blame for starting it.A long with this my parole hearing was going up soon and any incident report would mean,i would be denied and have to wait 6 months for another hearing,if i survived.On the Thur. before my hearing i was walking to the gym,when i was stopped by several white fellows,i denied making the statement,but inside,the truth is determined by combat,the who is afraid to stand up for his word,is considered the liar.i was told he was in the gym and was given an escort of two fellows to make sure i went.I didn't see any way out,so i made up my mind to go out with a bang.I headed for the gym with my friends in tow,we went in and looked around,when spotted the JAMAICAN,and started towards him,the BRO'S spotted me and surround him.i turned to my escort and asked them,why i saw there,and told them if they want me to do the job,they would have to clear out the twenty or so around him.I took two steps and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders,and had a flash of Atlas holding the world on his shoulders and a hand reach down and lifted it off.I realized i was alone,my escort had vanished.then i felt like i was in a plexy-glass a shield.i looked around and headed for the door to the hall way,and stepped into the hall,that was the last thing i remember for an half hour.Thirty minutes later i was in front of my cell asking for an earlier lock down,i went in sat on my cot,my mind was racing so fast i couldn't control it,finally i leaned back against the wall and looked up and said ,HELP.I went from complete panic to sleep instantly.I awoke one hour later and was let out of my cell,i went in to the common room and could feel in the tension in the air,while i was sleeping,the gang who had control of the inside took over and all the guilty parties were all in P.C.I had the perfect alibi,i was locked in my cell sleeping.MY part in this was never revealed and i made my parole.The night before my release i was approached by the leader of the white group and he asked me two questions,that i didn't know the answer to.who are you--what are you,he went on to say,you came up here walking in slow motion,when i came up behind you,you turned your head and smiled,and just walked away.I was left with more questions,what how and why.What happened in that missing half hour?How did i ,scare off the toughest con in the joint? and why didn't he finish the job he started?And why would GOD protect me ,a con,deep down i know it was GOD,but didn't know why.My parole was a bit rough for me, about six months in,i was breakfast cook at the Sally Ann hostel and half way house and rehab in Hamilton.I was one of the two paid employees,the rest of the workers were from the programs One day one of the fellows,asked me if we could meet at eight that night,when he wouldn't tell me why,i sort of knew he was up to no good,but i wasn't doing so well myself,frustrated and wondering if i really belonged on the street,so i said yes.I knew the bus schedule to a T the driver always stopped for break and a coffee at a coffee shop four stops up the line and he was always three minutes late reaching my stop,so i would get there on the dot and have three minutes to spare,this night he didn't stop and he arrived a minute early, i was just coming up the street in time to see the bus leave.I had to wait,twenty minutes for the next one,arriving twenty minutes late ot our meeting place,i saw the street blocked off by the E,T.F. police unit there so i left.He had pulled an armed robbery at a corner store that we went to all the time ,and we known well by the owner.By this time i'm starting to get the message,GOD IS IN MY CORNER ,regardless of what others may think or say,and in his eyes, I'M not a bad person,because HE made me and GOD doesn't make mistakes.
In 2006, I was living in Toronto, in an apartment facing a courtyard, there were floodlights on three sides of the courtyard lighting it up.The refection of these lights coming through my window lit up my apartment fairly well.Several weeks in a row on Sat. night at 3:33 am, I was awakened by a feeling of fear, and my apartment was completely pitch black.I felt paralyzed.The result of this was, I couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours.Come morning I was either too tired to go to church or slept in.This happened until on sat. night, when I saw a blacker outline of something standing on the foot of my bed, looking down at me.In the SPIRIT, I heard it say,"get out of town, I don't want you here, you have no right to be here".Shortly after this I was able to turn my head toward my apartment door and I saw a tunnel, that seemed to run from the top of the door to the outside.i could see a starlit sky.I then turned my head to the open window and saw the same sky out of it.this was the last time this happened.
I never give into threats or intimidation, if something goes to this much trouble to try and make me move, I will hang around to find out why.The last part of a limerick I once read says,"and the only reason I going to hang around is to see what in the world is going to happen next".I'M still here!
In the early seventy's, my wife and I moved into an apartment, over a business, From the first night I felt something strange, unexplainable.A feeling of evil? maybe.I had no understanding, at that time of THE SPIRITUAL REALM, but I knew, there was something there.A few days later my youngest son, Lance came to me and told me he saw a woman standing at the foot of the bed watching him sleep.every time he woke up turning the night, there she was!I asked him if it scared him and he said " no".Puzzled, but not wanting to alarm him, I told him it was just an angel, watching over him.The following month we were told, that the building had been sold and space was going to be turned into a parking lot for a private club, being built next door.The landlord made us a deal, that if we could move a,s,a.p.he would not charge us any more rent, I jumped at the chance to move and found an apartment and moved within two weeks.during the demolitions, they found two bodies of children, buried in the wall, between the two bedrooms.The investigation revealed that during the flu epidemic of the twenty's there was a family living in the house with two small children, the kids had died of the flu.Still, not totally sure what happened there, all I'M doing is recording the facts of what I can remember. I'M leaving the rest up to the reader!
In 2006 a friend's wife had a cerebral hemorrhage, she was in a coma for several days.A group of us took turns supporting him at the hospital, MY turn was Saturday afternoon.On the way to the hospital, I got a strong feeling, that his wife had died.Arriving at the hospital after a short streetcar ride, Roland took me in to see his wife.She was in the first bed just inside the I.C.U.when I first saw her I know she was indeed dead, the life supports were the only thing keeping her breathing.We both started to pray for her, then without knowing why I chanced my prayers from her to him.A short time later, a member of her medical team came in and explained to us, the what, how and why of her condition.On the way home, my anger against GOD showed up again.I asked HIM, why he keeps cursing me, by revealing to me, the death of someone, but not giving me the power to do something about it.HE answered me, in THE SPIRIT, by asking me four questions--[1]-"Did I cause it?] [2]--Could I have prevented it? [3]-Could I have healed her?".I answered "no" to all three.HIS final question was in a chastising manner,"Why are you taking credit for it then?"It was at that very moment, I finally realized, that all my anger towards GOD, throughout my life, was not at GOD, but at me, I blamed myself for failing in situations, that I had no control over.MY wishes were going against GOD'S WILL.HE NEVER LOSES



My work history has had more variety than most, both in the type of work and the companies I worked for--.building demolition--food service pot washer,dishwasher,porter,bus boy,waiter,cleaner,line cook,cook, host kitchen manager,assistant restaurant manager- cook/live skills coach ,restaurant manager--breakfast cook, camp cook,shift leader,catering porter,caterer--bartender,bar swamper--security guard ,guard sergeant--factory worker--mine,mine nipper,track man,chute blaster,driller and stop leader-- hotel night auditor,and desk clerk--racetrack stable boy,hot walker.,farm stable boy--cleaner, cleaning supervisor-forestry laborer-private club steward and bartender--warehouse worker-shipper receiver, dock worker and taxi dispatcher.
The companies I've worked for are-Tupper Demolition-Sportservice-Canadian Moulding--Libby's Campbell's Soup--INCO-Skylon Tower-Fleet Manufacturing-Zeller's--Holiday Inn-Sheraton Hotels-Salvation Army-Ontario Jockey Club-Parkway Stables-C.N.E.--S.I.S Security-Aegis Security--C I. L..-Angelican Church Bertrum Place--Good Shepherd--Town of Lindsay=Big Boy Restaurant-Stewart's Taxi-myself-as well as several small privately own companies and businesses
HOBBIES -----crossword puzzles,coaching minor sports,soccer,baseball,softball umpiring ,movies,writing The companies I've worked for are-Tupper Demolition-Sportservice-Canadian Moulding--Libby's Campbell's Soup--INCO-Skylon Tower-Fleet Manufacturing-Zeller's--Holiday Inn-Sheraton Hotels-Salvation Army-Ontario Jockey Club-Parkway Stables-C.N.E.--S.I.S Security-Aegis Security--C I. L..-Angelican Church Bertrum Place--Good Shepherd--Town of Lindsay=Big Boy Restaurant-Stewart's Taxi-myself-as well as several small privately own companies and businesses
HOBBIES -----crossword puzzles - coaching minor sports - soccer -baseball -softball -umpiring -movies - writing

[A BLOND HAIRED LITTLE GIRL OF THREE]-------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a man a long the way,this creature of the night
This man was tough, big and brave and laughed with glee
i'm the man,that has never been beat,the one sends his foes afright
the problem was, he was right,his foes were only blond girls of three.

only three you say,oh yes said he,the oldest put up quite a fight
she didn't know who i was,this little blond haired girl of three
i'm the toughest ,strongest man, you know,i'm the man who has the right
to attack and kill,whom i like,as long as they are children under three'

this man boasted and bragged to me,this creature of the night
that he was always beaning paid to get,little girls under three
i told him that,if he was a man,that he and i should fight
he said oh no,oh no,you see i only specialize in children under three.

little blond hair girls are the only ones,that i can really fright
my specialty is babies he boasted and bragged to me,and little girls under three
as i turned to face this man,this creature of the night
he whined and pleaded with me,unfair your not a blond haired child under three

this was a tale,i know was true,this creature of the night
this man bragged and boasted,that he was the toughest,when his opponents were only three
this coward and bully,believes to this today,that he can put everyone to flight
as long as they are pregnant ladies,babies and blond children under

oh yes he has had his wins,and put his foes to flight
seniors,children, are notches on his belt, he brags with glee
but he says,he has the right
to attack anyone as long as they are blond haired girls under three

this was a tale,i know was true,this creature of the night
this man bragged and boasted,that he was the toughest,when his opponents were only three
this coward and bully,believes to this today,that he can put everyone to flight
as long as they are pregnant ladies,babies and blond children under three